2011/2012

I posted this elsewhere, but would like it to reside here.

My 2011 was weird and not very great.

On the plus side, I stopped drinking like an alcoholic, and started drinking like a normal person. My team won the Superbowl last year, and looks like they're headed there again this year. I gained and lost 20 pounds. I started my happy blog, which has been sadly neglected for a while, but will be up again soon. I got to meet some online friends. I took over the operation of my business, and while we aren't exactly up this year, we aren't down, either, which is good news. Perhaps most significantly, I found and strengthened some friendships, especially here at this internet place, but also in my day-to-day life. It has always been hard for me to... I don't know, open up to people. So that is a big thing.

On the downside, a few close friends and relatives of mine died suddenly this year. One of my close friends was diagnosed with cancer and began chemo. I had some major changes in my personal life-- a lot of upheaval and sadness, which is kind of carrying over to this year, although it is slightly muted by the progression of time.

On the I-don't-know-how-to-feel-about-it side, which would be the middle side, I have begun steps toward recovery from problems I have carried with me for a long time. I am trying to be a person again.

I am hoping that 2012 will be drastically different from this year. I am very confused and lost in my life right now, and I am hoping that time will straighten out some of the kinks. I want this year to be the year where I am myself, and I am okay with that.

We will see.

Sorry, Charlie

Yeah, I deleted that post. The one that showed up in all of your readers and you can't access. Well, I "unpublished" it. Almost the same thing. Anyway, I did it because I was overtired/overemotional/over...drunk? maybe. But it was just a pathetic rant, the kind that you need to let out but you don't really need to let out in the open.

Things are still shitty. But I am going to be OK. Right? I mean, I am, she said, with finality and conviction.

One of my friends is a contractor, and he's charging me only an arm to put in all the flooring, not an arm and a leg. They started today. I got most of the painting done already. The appliances are going to be delivered Sunday.

Except I forgot to get a shower. Whoops. And I keep putting it off, every day I think of it. For no apparent reason. I am sure Guinny understands the whole not-understanding-this-ness of that.

I had to come back early because the wood for the floors came in to the store, and I had to get it into the apartment ASAP for it to "season" or acclimate or some shit. Anyway, it cut my weekend of me time short. I might end up doing it again next weekend; it kind of depends on how this week goes.

I am thankful for all of my friends. Without you, I would not be getting through this. With you, I am surviving.

P.S. Thinking about getting this couch. What say you, friends? I thought I'd ask you since I'm basically picking out a bed for you.

Runaway Train

 Tonight, at about 8:00PM, I ran away from home.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed a break. I need a break. I can't deal with all of this, all at once, relentlessly. I needed to breath. And I have seen that my emotional fragility is catching my kid's attention, and it is not good for him. He does not need to be breathing the sorrow in through his tiny little lungs.

So I knew I had to be gone. I have had to be gone for a long time now. But I didn't know where to go. I don't have family I can trust, no friends nearby, no options. I finally broke down and called a long-distance friend, who talked me out of going to my mother (out of the frying pan and into the fire, as it were). Then I called a friend who lives in Boise (which is a few hours away), to ask him if he had any ideas. He was all, "What about your condo?"

I totally forgot about that. We have a condo in Boise that is currently unoccupied. This would mean I could have alone time, rest time, no-thinking time, and I could see my friend when I started thinking and worrying and freaking out and needed someone to talk me down from the ledge.

So I called hubby, told him I was leaving, packed a bag and waited for him to come home so I could take him to his mom's car (she's out of town so he can use it), said goodbye to the best kid in the world, and left. The whole thing took about 30 minutes from inspiration to execution.

My return date is supposed to be before Monday at 10:00AM. Because I have to work then.

I didn't take the kid because I love him too much to subject him to myself right now. I can barely take care of myself. I feel like an infant who needs a mother. I love him too much to not choose what is right for him-- which, in this case, is staying with his functional parent for the weekend while the broken one tries to tape herself together with wine and solitude.

Things I packed:
Kindle
Laptop
Phone
Shampoo and conditioner
Four bottles of wine
Wine key
Fuzzy sweater
Four pairs of pajama pants
Two pairs of jeans
Toothbrush
Soap
Toilet Paper
Towel
Two coconut waters
Two Red Bulls
Air mattress
Two pillows
One blanket

Things I wish I packed:
A cup
An ipod
A utensil for eating
The case of coconut water I set out to take and forgot

Things I probably didn't need to pack but did anyway:
Bikini
Four clubbing shirts
Clay Matthews jersey
Transformers t-shirt
Two fizzy bath tablets
One bottle of Rombauer Chard
One bottle of La Crema Pinot Noir
Cambozola cheese

And for the record, I was totally fine until I got about three blocks from downtown, at which point I saw all the Christmas decorations and started bawling so hard I couldn't see and became a hazard to myself and others with the blurring of the vision and the driving being mixed.

P.S. Thank you all for your comments and support. The situation is more complicated than my wildly truncated version, but I gave you the salient points from my side. Hubby does not need his balls run over by a train. We have both been unhappy and resentful about a number of things in our marriage, and some sort of crisis was bound to occur. He does need to be happy, and so do I, but I would prefer for him to be happy with me rather than some common whore.

Crap. I did it again. *sigh* It is hard for me to see around her. And not just because her ass is the size of Asia.

CRAP! AGAIN!

You know what? Fuck it. DAMN HER TO HELL.

Unexpected Email from My Dad that Made My Day, in Its Entirety

There was something I forgot to say to you as I am thinking about you now. I want to thank you for all the wonderful, caring and loving memories you gave me as you grew up before my eyes- I love to think about you- you are still my favorite thing to think about- and what a tapestry of richness it is- from you dancing with the puppy dog at our first place in Moline to your ice show, your love of playing 'can you go up,up,up' with me, your laugh, your never tiring interest in books of any kind- your hugs, your smiles, the sound of your voice, just being able to open the door and look at you as you slept- looking like an angel or a princess- and what a feeling of happiness and peace and love it gave me.

Shit Outta Luck

The kid broke my computer. He deleted some sort of essential file, so it won't even open.

So until I get the recovery disks and spend some time running installations, WE ARE S.O.L., LADIES AND GENTS. S.O.L.

Also, all of my pictures are GONE.

Posted from my POS Android

I Am Preserving This for Future Generations.

This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, short of my husband who has done more than anyone ever could. These friends have made me so happy, so proud, and so grateful.

I would post the videos here, but as I'm not in them, and to preserve privacy somewhat, I will post a link to the original depository of the Love Bomb.

BAM.

Watch Your Step

Hop on the bus. We are going to take a little daytrip over to Serioustown.

After a number of hurty and self-hate-inducing things occurred recently in my life, I was quickly brought down to earth by the same things happening in the lives of my friends. It seems that self-repugnance and general feelings of idiocy and deserved solitude are going around when perhaps they should not be. So I feel that I need to share something with you.

I am the kind of person who only understands my own fault in any given problem scenario. If I go to a restaurant and the service is shitty, it is because the server hates me. If one of the store's orders doesn't ship, it is because I somehow placed the order incorrectly. If the milk goes bad, it is because I fucked with its tai chi.

I know. This is fucked up. It is totally fucked up. Also self-centered, in a twisted way. But I am not coming from a place of selfishness. Who would want ALL THE BAD THINGS? Not me. HOWEVER.

What I do know is that if these scenarios were being played out in my friends' lives, I would be all, "You are not perfect, because you are human. But you are lovely and beautiful, because you are a good person. It is the circumstances of your life that are fucked up. It is not your fault that the rain fell on that parade today."

I think, sometimes, that it is like an impressionist painting.

Ugly

This? By itself? Is an ugly kind of fuzzy blur of gray. It is how I view myself. My fucked up problems. Because I am right in the middle of it, all close up.

This, though?

Beautiful

Is the Cliffs at Etretat. The first image is part of it, viewed close up. I KNOW. I AM BEING SO TRITE WITH THIS. But for real, when you are inside of it all, you cannot see the big picture. You see some tiny piece that seems insignificant, fucked up, and ugly.

But on the outside? Everyone else sees a masterpiece.

It may seem, to you, that you have fucked your life up big time. That your window to the world is broken and shuttered. And yes, I initially wrote "shittered," and that works, too.

But guess what. Chicken butt.

No, no, no, I am trying to be serious. OK, Guess what. Your view of you is too close sometimes to be accurate. You need to step back to see the real you, except for you that is basically impossible. This means you need to depend on your friends-- the people around you who LOVE you, not the other people around you-- to remind you what kind of person you are. And when they tell you that you are beautiful, that you are trying as hard as you can, that you are the kind of friend or partner or sibling or parent or kid that anyone would be lucky to have, that you should not be so hard on yourself, that you make everything you touch turn to flowers--

Well, you should listen to them. Because they are standing about five feet back, and that is the optimal viewing condition, right there. Just out of arm's reach. You can't hit them, but they can blow kisses. Because I know you don't want to hear this, but they are going to fucking tell you, for Gods' sake, and you are going to listen,

Dammit.

And just so you know, I wasn't just writing this to be my own cheerleader. This is for you.

I GOT AN AWARD!!!

Look at me, getting awards! I thought I was going to get another award today but as that has not apparated yet (*ahem*, Siren) I have taken matters into my own hands and stolen an award from Rachael.

I KNOW! AN AWARD! I feel so accomplished. Suddenly, my whole day has taken a turn for the better. The miserable slump I was in this morning I have all but forgotten. My headache just disappeared. I think I might be better-looking now. No, I am sure I am.

OK, and now it is confirmed, because I'm writing this at work, and my last customer just introduced himself and told me that he thinks he loves me.

IT IS WORKING.

ETA: He just came back to tell me he loves me again. I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS. This award is awesome.

ETA: I got my other award, too... I think my hair is shinier! And my voice is more melodious! My cat just turned into a liger!

Thank You

Thank you for making my day, today.
Your talent for poetry blows me away.
I could be mired in the deepest of shit,
Moping and drowning and wanting to quit,
And here you have written it out in your mind,
Crafting with poesy your friendship and mine.
And suddenly, sunshine and rainbows appear
As you make the gloom and the glum disappear.
Yours is the smile that's all over my face--
You are the one who put it in its place.