Friday, January 6, 2012

The Thing Is, Sometimes I Ramble.

So I am just blowing off steam here right now. I have a guy in my house fixing my floor. And by house I mean apartment.

Yes, I am officially entirely moved over. And all the things-- well, most of the things, are in working order. There are appliances and a shower and everything. Electricity, even. My new TV will be hooked up on Tuesday. My couch and chair are perfect and I love them. The shelving I designed turned out absolutely perfect. The color of the walls is the best color EVAR. The floors are beautiful. The gas range has a burner that is LITERALLY MEANT TO MAKE GRAVY. Well, maybe not literally. Literally it is a burner for using a griddle top. BUT! BUT! You can put your entire roaster pan on it and it is PERFECT.

And yet.

And yet.

I cannot sleep. I am depressed and zombieish. I have problems maintaining any sort of positive outlook on anything. I think I may be addicted to an online game. I am scattered and sad and I have no idea what I am doing from one moment to the next. Everything sucks, everything is awful, and I feel like I am just malingering, and I need to get over it, or move on, or do something-- but I don't even know what I am supposed to do. Or how I am supposed to act. Or what is even going on. Like, what are we doing?

Does he honestly think this is a functional relationship, him living there and me living here? Does he think I am supposed to just be fine with this, like things are fine? Because they are not. Things suck, and I am chronically lonely, and I know that I take my self-worth from others, because I have not yet learned, after all of this time, to see that I am worth something on my own, without someone there to tell me that. And there is no one here, and when there is no one here, all I want is anyone to love me. And I know that is fucked up and stupid, and I should be able to learn to just be with myself and my thoughts or whatever, but MY THOUGHTS SUCK RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BATHTUB TO DROWN IN. Or drown my sorrows in. Look at me, ending sentences with prepositions! WOO HOO IT'S GETTIN' WILD IN HERE.

My point being that I do not even know if I want to be in this relationship, because I feel like I am a contortionist these days, trying to fit into what I need to be. I just want a break.

The only thing I am doing correctly right now is not drinking myself into a stupor. But that might just be because I lack the motivation to buy alcohol. I guess also I am still standing. But just barely.

GOD I AM SO PATHETIC.

I will probably delete this later. Or now.

Fuck me.

6 comments:

  1. You need to decide for you what type of relationship you want to be in. Don't stay with someone because you love that person. Stay because the relationship is worthwhile and brings you joy and happiness. If your not getting these things pack'er in and find a relationship that gives you what you need and I guarentee you will fall in love all over again like it is the very first time.

    The moment I decided to stop trying to change someone I loved so I could have the relationship I wanted and instead started waiting for the person who could just naturally give me that relationship so I could fall in love with them instead was the best moment of my life.

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  2. You are definitely worth something on your own. I've known it from the first time I read your comment on another blog and then, luckily, found my way to your blog. Life is never easy, but it is worth it. Sometimes it sucks, but not always. Sometimes it sings. Here's to you and your journey through the mire to joy, love and, most importantly, you.

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  3. Don't beat yourself up for taking your self worth from others. It's human nature. Learning you're worth something on your own is a long process, and even then, truly humble people will still seek validation from others to some degree. In my eyes, it's about balance. Complete self-reliance leads to arrogance and heartlessness, while too much reliance on others results in the people you trust controlling who you are and turning you into a doormat. In either extreme, it robs you of your humanity.

    Of course, I could be wrong. What do you think? Ahh, see what I did there? :-)

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  4. I wrote a really long post of what came off as pretentious bullshit (shocking from me, I know) so I got rid of it to say this: you are worthy of so much more than you're getting. It's up to you to decide if you want to change that or not.

    We all love you no matter what you decide to do.

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  5. I love you, Lac. You are handling this all better than you think.

    Think of it like when you fall on your ass and get the breath knocked out of you. For a second or two, you can't even breathe, so you just have to sit there and it feels awful because your ass hurts and your chest hurts. But after a second you can breathe in again and pretty soon you're on your feet and cussing out the motherfucker you tripped over.

    You'll catch your breath and find your way onto your feet in time.

    And that's MY pretentious bullshit ;)

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  6. You know what? If you don't want to be in a specific relationship, change it. Pain? Maybe. Any different now, rather than later? Prolly not. Wasted time in the interim? Maybe.

    Look at it this way. You are a woman, you are smart, funny, interesting, impassioned, wacky, unique, and smokin' hot. Srsly you don't think that this is a marketable combination where you can definitely hold out for a relationship that is more fulfilling and more of what you need out of life?

    I would say don't settle for less than you want, and don't feel like there is a specific list of shit you gotta get done now or else you are behind, and just live the day like the gift it is. I know sometimes it feels like you should have opened a different gift because this one seems to be socks and underwear or an ugly sweater vest, but hey tomorrow is a new day and might be a better gift.

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