WTF #3

So Polite.

I could bore you to death by going over all of the chores and health-type shit I did today, but instead, I will gift you with Charlie's current favorite story. It is a true story, and none of the names or places have been altered to protect anyone's identities.

Charlie's Current Favorite Story, as told by Charlie

Showing Clifford the view

Once upon a time, there was a Mama and her Charlie. They were riding on a BIG BIG AIRPLANE. And they were going from Wisconsin where Grandma Mary lives all the way to Hailey. So Mama and Charlie are on the plane. And Mama hears a rumbly sound, and she turns to Charlie and she says, "What was that noise?"

(This is the part where Charlie can hardly keep a straight face, because he knows what is coming. It takes a few seconds for him to compose himself and continue.)

And Charlie yells, "EXCUSE ME I FARTED!!!!!!!!"

(That is the part where Charlie dissolves into giggles. He leaves out the part about how everyone on the packed flight looked around shiftily and edged away from us.)

And they all lived happily ever after the end.

Drunk Post #1

Not that this is going to be some sort of repeat occurrence. I am just saying, it took me three tries to even get here, and one of those tries involved typing this address into the tab bar.

There are few times that I allow myself to intoxicate anymore, and apparently September 2 is one of them.

I think it was the fact that I worked my muscles to exhaustion doing that thing I won't talk about (that is not sex you dirty people) and then I didn't have alot of food. Because it is intake and output, people. IT IS SCIENCE.

I am so killing this thing day one. I had innumerable temptations, too. And I stuck to my guns. Or my dietary restrictions. Guns sounds more badass so let's go with that.

Also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um... I forget. I think I was going to say something about Bon Jovi or Celine Dion, whose concerts I watched tonight on screens as big as a wall at my friend Dave's house.

YOU GIVE LOOOOOVE A BAD NAME

OOOOOOOOH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE
OOOOOOOOOOH LIVIN' ON A PRAAAAAAYER
TAKE MY HAND
WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAAAAAAAAR
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH LIVIN' ON A PRAAAAYER

And I forget the rest.

Don't you wish you were here with me. The Eagles are next... I feel "Life's Been Good" coming on.

Today's Post is brought to you by Sarcasm, Narcissism, and the letter Y

Now gimme my award, dammit.

About My Blog

1. How did you find my blog and how long have you been reading it? What was the thing that first "captured" you? I found you blog through a link on the forum. I've been reading it since... I think September? Maybe August. The first thing that captured me was you personality on the forum. I would probably have read your blog if it was just pictures of telephone books. Or dictionaries.
2. Which one of my blog entries is your favorite? (You can list more than one.) I can't really point to specific ones, my memory sucks. But I like the Carolyn ones. Even though they are sad, they are beautiful. And some of the ones when you were figuring things out for yourself-- when you were here in the present, and learning things about your past through new experiences. Your way of explaining things and your memory for conversations are gifts.
3. What's your favorite thing about my blog overall? I guess now it is probably your humor.
4. In what way or ways is my blog totally better than yours? My blog has no real unifying principle, I don't take photos of birds, and your commenters are pretty dang awesome. Also, you are hilarious.
5. In what way or ways is my blog totally better than most other blogs, period? Most other blogs are uninteresting and the bloggers are not as... wide-eyed and new about things as you are. I mean that in a good way.
   
6. Have you signed up as a follower of my blog? A public follower? Fuck yes. Why would I follow it privately? I don't get that. Unless it is something that the blogger wants me to do to protect their privacy, I always follow publicly.
   
7. How many of your own blog followers are actually you using a fake username? (Oops, sorry, this question should've gone on the "Insecure Blogger's Survey Meme.") HAhahahaha. None. Good idea, though.
   
8. What's one of the funniest things I've said on my blog? ALL THE THINGS. There were a couple times I was almost crying with laughter. Like when you got your boots, or when you had to go get your hair done, or when you were getting the new couch and being flaunty. Or when you gave that bird egg the Royal Hat.
9. The most brilliant or original or insightful? This one. I bookmarked it on my computer when you wrote it, because it was so perfect. Partially because I relate to it, partially because it is such a beautiful picture of love.
   
10. Which of the pictures on my blog is your favorite? This one.
    
11. You have read my entire blog, right? Yes.
    
12. How often do you mention me or my blog on your blog? I've actually mentioned it a couple times. I linked it once. But don't worry, I have like three readers, and they were all yours first.
13. How many of your blog entries either were inspired by me or are examples of you shamelessly plagiarizing and/or outright copying my ideas? (Please provide links so I can get the credit I deserve.) BAM!
14. How often do you mention me or my blog in your offline life, say, at the dinner table or something? Hm. Not as much as I should, apparently.
    
15. When was the last time you made someone listen while you read something of mine to her or him out loud? HAhahahaha. I can't remember. I think I showed my husband your snowflake pictures.

About Me

1. How much do you love me and why? Please be specific. I love you as much as David Hasselhoff loves leather pants. Because you are strong and intelligent and witty and eloquent and hilarious.
2. Why else? Also because you are unabashedly egotistical.
3. Other than the reasons you love me, what's your favorite thing about me? Your ability to remember conversations word for word.
4. In what way or ways do you see me as better than you -- morally, intellectually, or otherwise? You are way better than me at Scrabble.
   
5. As superior to the average person in general? ALL THE WAYS.
6. In what way or ways do you wish you were more like me? I wish I was as confident as you. Oh, and that I had a startle reflex because I think it would be hilarious. I don't mind jokes at my own expense.
7. That everyone were more like me? That people were honest with themselves and others. All the time.
8. Which of my qualities do you envy the most? Your wordsmithery.
9. Which of my qualities do you admire the most and/or find the most inspiring? Your strength.
10. Do you envy any of my possessions? If so, which ones? YOUR COWBOY BOOTS. Also, your chicken beak.
11. What's the most complimentary thing you've said about me recently? See the above.
12. Did you write it on your blog? (If so, please provide a link.) Here you go.
13. What do you think is my most attractive physical feature? Your elf ears.
14. My second most attractive? Your Bambi eyes.
15. You can list additional ones here if you need to. You also have nice lips and you are skinny and now I am feeling weird telling you this stuff so I am done.
16. What would you say are my greatest strengths? Your emotional fortitude.
17. And finally, which of the following would you say is my one possible weakness? Definitely #4.
1. You're so intelligent sometimes you forget how hard it is for the rest of us to keep up with you.
2. You don't appreciate how attractive you really are.
3. You're too hard on yourself.
4. You're too modest.
5. Honestly, I can't think of any weaknesses

ETA: I AM SO HONORED!

To All of My Fans in Malaysia

So tired. So... one and a half bottles of wine tired.

Also, I just discovered that Blogger keeps very few statistics, but you can check your stats to see, for example, what links your readers followed to visit your blog.

Except Google's Blogger, in its what-we-thought-was-infinite wisdom, has only these two sites for me there:

iteethwhitening.com and onlinedegree.4wd.info.

I am basically positive that neither of those is free of spyware/malware/trojans. I'm also pretty certain they're not among the three readers of this thing, or that they have linked here to share with their adoring public my teeth whitening facts or my vast wealth of information and success culled from a career in online scholarship. Those sites sound like the kind of thing manufactured in Malaysian techno-ghettos, linking crazily to any site on earth in hopes of trackback traffic.

But I kind of like to think that maybe, just maybe, there is an errant cubicle dweller, locked away from the sun for umpteen hours on end in some Malaysian cubicle-city building, in the bad part of town if you know what I mean, who finds solace in the underwhelming content of this, my journal. And they read it faithfully, escaping the dismal repetition and dreary gray of their insignificant time on earth with the irregular chronicles of my own life. And they made the conscious decision to link to my little place on the internet, in hopes of sharing this ray of sunlight with others just like them.

Hey, you. Trapped in your foreign cubicle, lassoed to your phone, talking to an over-privileged American in accents as incomprehensible as the flowchart of your chain of command,

This Bud's for you.

I know, this is why you love me.

GUESS WHAT?!?!?