COMING SOON!

I am going to take some after pictures tonight, if I can remember. Otherwise I will do it tomorrow. All the things are done. ALL THE THINGS. As of this morning. Well, except I am going to refinish the coffee table I found. It was only $7, I figured for that price it was worth a little work. And Tuesday I will have TV.

Also, my dad and his girlfriend were in town this weekend. His girlfriend is my mom's former best friend, and my mom does not know they are dating.

Also also, my mom was supposed to come out here tomorrow with a friend of hers to go skiing, then she emailed me to "let me know" that she wasn't bringing her friend, and was instead going to stay at our house Tuesday through Saturday. Shockingly, I was able to tell her that wasn't OK, and we are now scheduled to meet in Boise on Friday for a couple of days. Don't worry, I will be back in time for the Packers game. So this means I get a couple-day reprieve between parental visits, which is...awesome. And I kind of stood up for myself with my mom. It almost made me vomit to tell her that it was not OK for her to invite herself to stay at my house for a week, but I DID IT GODDAMN IT.

I think I was only able to do it because I am so frazzled and on edge that I honestly could not handle the thought of her being in my home right now. Plus I am nursing a hangover on two hours' sleep. It added a sense of urgency.

Anyway, sorry for the boring post, but I PROMISE YOU WILL HAVE PICTURES SOON! AND MAYBE GRAPHS! LOOK, I WILL SPICE THIS UP RIGHT NOW WITH AN IMPROMPTU POEM!

The days are colliding and smearing
And so far the things that we're fearing
Have all come to pass,
Like ice in a glass,
Cold, smoking, and burned.

Hm. That was kind of depressing. Sorry.

The Thing Is, Sometimes I Ramble.

So I am just blowing off steam here right now. I have a guy in my house fixing my floor. And by house I mean apartment.

Yes, I am officially entirely moved over. And all the things-- well, most of the things, are in working order. There are appliances and a shower and everything. Electricity, even. My new TV will be hooked up on Tuesday. My couch and chair are perfect and I love them. The shelving I designed turned out absolutely perfect. The color of the walls is the best color EVAR. The floors are beautiful. The gas range has a burner that is LITERALLY MEANT TO MAKE GRAVY. Well, maybe not literally. Literally it is a burner for using a griddle top. BUT! BUT! You can put your entire roaster pan on it and it is PERFECT.

And yet.

And yet.

I cannot sleep. I am depressed and zombieish. I have problems maintaining any sort of positive outlook on anything. I think I may be addicted to an online game. I am scattered and sad and I have no idea what I am doing from one moment to the next. Everything sucks, everything is awful, and I feel like I am just malingering, and I need to get over it, or move on, or do something-- but I don't even know what I am supposed to do. Or how I am supposed to act. Or what is even going on. Like, what are we doing?

Does he honestly think this is a functional relationship, him living there and me living here? Does he think I am supposed to just be fine with this, like things are fine? Because they are not. Things suck, and I am chronically lonely, and I know that I take my self-worth from others, because I have not yet learned, after all of this time, to see that I am worth something on my own, without someone there to tell me that. And there is no one here, and when there is no one here, all I want is anyone to love me. And I know that is fucked up and stupid, and I should be able to learn to just be with myself and my thoughts or whatever, but MY THOUGHTS SUCK RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BATHTUB TO DROWN IN. Or drown my sorrows in. Look at me, ending sentences with prepositions! WOO HOO IT'S GETTIN' WILD IN HERE.

My point being that I do not even know if I want to be in this relationship, because I feel like I am a contortionist these days, trying to fit into what I need to be. I just want a break.

The only thing I am doing correctly right now is not drinking myself into a stupor. But that might just be because I lack the motivation to buy alcohol. I guess also I am still standing. But just barely.

GOD I AM SO PATHETIC.

I will probably delete this later. Or now.

Fuck me.

2011/2012

I posted this elsewhere, but would like it to reside here.

My 2011 was weird and not very great.

On the plus side, I stopped drinking like an alcoholic, and started drinking like a normal person. My team won the Superbowl last year, and looks like they're headed there again this year. I gained and lost 20 pounds. I started my happy blog, which has been sadly neglected for a while, but will be up again soon. I got to meet some online friends. I took over the operation of my business, and while we aren't exactly up this year, we aren't down, either, which is good news. Perhaps most significantly, I found and strengthened some friendships, especially here at this internet place, but also in my day-to-day life. It has always been hard for me to... I don't know, open up to people. So that is a big thing.

On the downside, a few close friends and relatives of mine died suddenly this year. One of my close friends was diagnosed with cancer and began chemo. I had some major changes in my personal life-- a lot of upheaval and sadness, which is kind of carrying over to this year, although it is slightly muted by the progression of time.

On the I-don't-know-how-to-feel-about-it side, which would be the middle side, I have begun steps toward recovery from problems I have carried with me for a long time. I am trying to be a person again.

I am hoping that 2012 will be drastically different from this year. I am very confused and lost in my life right now, and I am hoping that time will straighten out some of the kinks. I want this year to be the year where I am myself, and I am okay with that.

We will see.

Moving Day

Guys.

I know I haven't been around lately.

I have been busy. Working. Planning. Holidays. Staying alive (Oh, oh, oh, oh, stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive).

Today, though, I am moving. Moving in. To my new apartment.

I am going to take some after photos, I'm hoping to get them done before I move stuff in, but the sink and shower may not be finished before I start hauling boxes over and cluttering the place up.

I did do a really good job on the remodel, I gotta hand it to myself. And by "good job" I mean my ideas, not really the work, since all I did with my hands was paint. But still. I bought all the shit, I made every decision, I designed shelving, I coordinated colors. I DID IT, YO.

And today, all of my stuff-- my clothes, the kitchen stuff, the bathroom stuff, my books, my photos, my NEW COUCH AND CHAIR OMG, and my bed-- all of it will be moved over. If I am super-productive and maybe have a little bit of luck.

So send a good wish or two my way, think of me, etc., and I will be back, here, very soon.

Doing All the Things

So I should be moved over to the apartment in... well, I'm going to say by December 20th. Right in time for Christmas... yay? The floors will be done on Wednesday, the appliances in late next week, and... then I just have to move my bed and clothes and stuff. So it will be... almost two months exactly since the bomb dropped.

Even though I'm so close, though, for some inexplicable reason, little things are starting to turn into IMPOSSIBLE SITUATIONS. Like, my friend who is a plumber cannot come plumb the line for the gas to the stove until late next week. BUT I WANT TO MOVE NOW. And now that I asked him to do it, and he came to check it out, I feel like I would rather just hire someone to do it and not have to wait. It is worth whatever I have to spend to get out of here. But I also feel bad because he has legit reasons for not doing it IMMEDIATELY TODAY, and that also made me feel guilty, like I am taking advantage of him or something UGH.

I just want it DONE. I don't want to be in limbo. And I know, I have zero furniture. Zero idea of what I am doing. Zero ability to envision the future. But I just want it DONE. So I can start trying to put myself together. Because every time I try to do that now, something happens to tear everything apart again. To make me feel like an interloper in my own life. Like I shouldn't have any hope. Like nothing will ever be OK again.

UGH.

Maybe I am just being overdramatic because I was sick today and feel like complaining and BLAH. And I read some of my therapy book and OF COURSE I feel like throwing puppies to sharks now. *sigh*

This cheerful note brought to you today by GLOOM AND DOOM.

Sorry, Charlie

Yeah, I deleted that post. The one that showed up in all of your readers and you can't access. Well, I "unpublished" it. Almost the same thing. Anyway, I did it because I was overtired/overemotional/over...drunk? maybe. But it was just a pathetic rant, the kind that you need to let out but you don't really need to let out in the open.

Things are still shitty. But I am going to be OK. Right? I mean, I am, she said, with finality and conviction.

One of my friends is a contractor, and he's charging me only an arm to put in all the flooring, not an arm and a leg. They started today. I got most of the painting done already. The appliances are going to be delivered Sunday.

Except I forgot to get a shower. Whoops. And I keep putting it off, every day I think of it. For no apparent reason. I am sure Guinny understands the whole not-understanding-this-ness of that.

I had to come back early because the wood for the floors came in to the store, and I had to get it into the apartment ASAP for it to "season" or acclimate or some shit. Anyway, it cut my weekend of me time short. I might end up doing it again next weekend; it kind of depends on how this week goes.

I am thankful for all of my friends. Without you, I would not be getting through this. With you, I am surviving.

P.S. Thinking about getting this couch. What say you, friends? I thought I'd ask you since I'm basically picking out a bed for you.

Day One, Part One

Look at me! I took a shower, I am wearing real pants (not pajamas), and I am in a coffeeshop, AKA the Real World. I'm not bawling like a baby in a dark corner somewhere! Also, I am eating the fattiest scone ever conceived by the mind of man and drinking a Monkeytail, which is a 4-shot Mexican mocha.

Look!

SO EFFING GOOD

This is the place I used to go all the time when I was alone in Boise with Charlie, back when he was a tiny little infant. Six months of solitude, that was. Hard.

Anyway. Coming back to Boise is strange. Like I said, I thought that the time I was here without Dust was more like two months until we talked about it a few weeks ago. It was a hazy time. Coming back did give me that familiar feeling of "Me Against the World," though. Which... well, I mean I guess it's better than "Everyone Against Me." Or "Overwhelmed and Unable to Cope."

SIGH THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE.

Anyway, I am going to finish this shit, or at least try to eat some of it, and then go walk around stores for a little bit, until I can be alone with my thoughts again.

Runaway Train

 Tonight, at about 8:00PM, I ran away from home.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed a break. I need a break. I can't deal with all of this, all at once, relentlessly. I needed to breath. And I have seen that my emotional fragility is catching my kid's attention, and it is not good for him. He does not need to be breathing the sorrow in through his tiny little lungs.

So I knew I had to be gone. I have had to be gone for a long time now. But I didn't know where to go. I don't have family I can trust, no friends nearby, no options. I finally broke down and called a long-distance friend, who talked me out of going to my mother (out of the frying pan and into the fire, as it were). Then I called a friend who lives in Boise (which is a few hours away), to ask him if he had any ideas. He was all, "What about your condo?"

I totally forgot about that. We have a condo in Boise that is currently unoccupied. This would mean I could have alone time, rest time, no-thinking time, and I could see my friend when I started thinking and worrying and freaking out and needed someone to talk me down from the ledge.

So I called hubby, told him I was leaving, packed a bag and waited for him to come home so I could take him to his mom's car (she's out of town so he can use it), said goodbye to the best kid in the world, and left. The whole thing took about 30 minutes from inspiration to execution.

My return date is supposed to be before Monday at 10:00AM. Because I have to work then.

I didn't take the kid because I love him too much to subject him to myself right now. I can barely take care of myself. I feel like an infant who needs a mother. I love him too much to not choose what is right for him-- which, in this case, is staying with his functional parent for the weekend while the broken one tries to tape herself together with wine and solitude.

Things I packed:
Kindle
Laptop
Phone
Shampoo and conditioner
Four bottles of wine
Wine key
Fuzzy sweater
Four pairs of pajama pants
Two pairs of jeans
Toothbrush
Soap
Toilet Paper
Towel
Two coconut waters
Two Red Bulls
Air mattress
Two pillows
One blanket

Things I wish I packed:
A cup
An ipod
A utensil for eating
The case of coconut water I set out to take and forgot

Things I probably didn't need to pack but did anyway:
Bikini
Four clubbing shirts
Clay Matthews jersey
Transformers t-shirt
Two fizzy bath tablets
One bottle of Rombauer Chard
One bottle of La Crema Pinot Noir
Cambozola cheese

And for the record, I was totally fine until I got about three blocks from downtown, at which point I saw all the Christmas decorations and started bawling so hard I couldn't see and became a hazard to myself and others with the blurring of the vision and the driving being mixed.

P.S. Thank you all for your comments and support. The situation is more complicated than my wildly truncated version, but I gave you the salient points from my side. Hubby does not need his balls run over by a train. We have both been unhappy and resentful about a number of things in our marriage, and some sort of crisis was bound to occur. He does need to be happy, and so do I, but I would prefer for him to be happy with me rather than some common whore.

Crap. I did it again. *sigh* It is hard for me to see around her. And not just because her ass is the size of Asia.

CRAP! AGAIN!

You know what? Fuck it. DAMN HER TO HELL.

Nurture Sounds Like a Dirty Word

So like I said, I am doing a 12-Step recovery program, and the first step is to learn how to NURTURE yourself and ACCEPT NURTURING from others. Number one, I do not like the way the word "nurture" sounds. Something about it skeeves me. So I am using "TREAT". TREAT YOURSELF! ACCEPT TREATS FROM OTHERS! It is roughly the same.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that it is difficult. I have lived most of my life caring for everyone but myself. I am literally a victim of self-neglect. I mean, I take showers and dress weather-appropriately, but that is about all of the care I give myself. Apparently this is neither normal nor healthy, and partially as a result of this, I have developed some severe relationship problems in my life.

So I am trying my DAMNDEST to show myself a little love and accept love from others. It is surprisingly difficult. This has attuned me to the fact that I flinch away from touching (even a pat on the back), that I don't accept ANY compliments without qualifying them, that I don't give myself a break EVER... it is strange. It is like suddenly waking up and not knowing who you are. Also, even though I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing, that I am supposed to be focusing on myself and doing things for me and letting other people do things for me, I have literally lived my entire life doing the opposite, and changing it up like this? Not easy.

That said, I did say "I love you, too," the other day, instead of "I love you," which is how I usually respond to someone telling me they love me. Because it is a way of saying I love you without acknowledging that they love me. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT. WHAT THE HELL. Also, I took a hot shower instead of sweeping the patio, which didn't really need to be swept, but which I was going to do instead of taking a shower, even though I was freezing and just needed to relax. So I consider these two things to be SUPERVICTORIES, and I am treating them as such. Teehee. Treat.

Anyway, here's hoping that this is the beginning of a BOLD A BEAUTIFUL new chapter in my life. As bold as THIS!

Why did I use ugly colors?

But maybe more beautiful. Maybe more like this.

View from my roof.

GO FORTH AND TREAT YOURSELF! ACCEPT TREATS FROM OTHERS!* LIVE A BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

*Not strangers, though.

Semi-Automatic Bullet List

• I have had roughly four hours of sleep on average per night for the last week
• I have lost ten pounds in the same week, even though I stopped exercising because my muscles weren't healing due to lack of sleep
• Both of these things are stress related, although I am not sad about losing weight
• This ice cream looks delicious
• I am supposed to get my computer back today YAAAAAY
• I got these in the mail (Birthday/Christmas present for hubby) literally 20 minutes ago; I think he will have them before dinnertime even though his birthday is December 1 and Christmas is almost two months away
• I am impatient, generally
• I need to buy myself a cup of coffee. FOR REAL
• I need to get a hair cut
• Change is scary.
• Tired.
• So.
• Tired.
• If I get my computer back, I will give you a WHAMBANG post, with no annoying bullets
• I started a twelve-step recovery program a few days ago. 
• I am still on step one. 
• I like to think that I already accomplished step zero, which was acknowledging a problem and starting to fix it, as that means I have ONE DOWN!!
• Thank the Lord Jesus that it is not for alcohol, because I am not ready for that at all
• Life is hard

Unexpected Email from My Dad that Made My Day, in Its Entirety

There was something I forgot to say to you as I am thinking about you now. I want to thank you for all the wonderful, caring and loving memories you gave me as you grew up before my eyes- I love to think about you- you are still my favorite thing to think about- and what a tapestry of richness it is- from you dancing with the puppy dog at our first place in Moline to your ice show, your love of playing 'can you go up,up,up' with me, your laugh, your never tiring interest in books of any kind- your hugs, your smiles, the sound of your voice, just being able to open the door and look at you as you slept- looking like an angel or a princess- and what a feeling of happiness and peace and love it gave me.

Pathétique

How can I think of a new blog post when I can't even think of a new Facebook status?

Hermit Crab

So, I am not sure if any of you have ever dealt with... well, I will call it "self-help shit" for lack of a better term. You know what I'm talking about-- dealing with demons, facing fears, cleaning closets. That kind of shit.

But if you have.

MOTHERFUCKING WHAT. I mean, how do you deal with it? It is exhausting and draining and... well, more than anything for me, apparently, it is enraging. I mean, I'm doing the baby stepping. I'm not a slacker!

But to me, all of this sifting through feelings and emotions and wading through personal history and... shit... is shit. I get so effing ANGRY every time I try to step forward. Even though I know that what is best for me is dealing with this shit so I don't have to feel broken and fucked up and shitty (I know, I know, I'm not, but that is how I feel, regardless, and anything you say is not going to change that, only going through this process will, and LOOK HOW GOOD my brain knows these things, WHY can my... rest of me... not catch up!!).

Anyway. That is why I have not been around as much. Because I am trying to deal, and I'm not talking about cards. I'm trying to chill, and I'm not talking about A/C. I'm trying to be a rock, and I'm not talking about AC/DC. HAHAHAHA see what I did there?

OK. So I'm still me. But... yeah. It is not the most fun I've ever had in my life.

A Snapshot of my Photobucket, Part Three

Make a Run for the Border

I am 100% unashamed to admit that one of my absolute most favorite foods on the entire planet of Earth is a Crunchy Supreme Taco from Taco Bell.

I have never had one with this many tomatoes.

I KNOW! The wafer-thin taco shell! The indistinguishable "beef product," spiced just enough to remind you of enchilada sauce that you know it is supposed to be an American interpretation of Mexican food. The cursory shreds of nutritionally-vacuous iceberg lettuce! The strangely dusty shreds of American cheese (oh the irony!)! The slathering of sour cream, the four morsels of pale pink tomato! Not to mention the rusty orange trail of grease that snakes down your arms, pooling in the bottom of the tortilla shell if it is not devoured within exactly 2.5 minutes of manufacture! And the vaguely vinegary HOT SAUCE, squeezed out of little foil packets onto the taco as you drive down the road!

Holy mother of mercy. These things are so incredibly delicious that I think my salivary glands are going to malfunction if I don't get a stick of gum or something. Hang on.

OK. So for real, though. Taco bell Crunchy Supreme tacos. When I go to the drive through, I order more of them than most deem appropriate. I remember the first time I went there with my then-boyfriend, now-husband. He asked me what I wanted, and I paused for a second before saying, "Um, I guess... six crunchy supreme tacos." And his eyes bugged out from his head a little bit, and he said "WHAT." And I said, "Yeah, no, better make it eight." This was massively cut back from the number I wanted to say, which probably would have given him a straight-up coronary on the spot, and that would have been the end of that relationship.

This is what they actually look like. NOMNOMNOM GET IN MY MOUTH

I try, now, never to order more than four. Well, OK, five. And usually I will try to get someone else in the car to order more than they actually want, "Because you never know if you're going to be extra hungry, and what if we are ten miles down the road and all you want is one more taco, and we can't come back? It's only $1.29. It's worth it to get an extra just in case." And then I take their extra one, because OF COURSE they didn't want another one, most people can't even stomach three of these things.

I don't know, maybe my stomach is made of iron, a little bit. Something about those tasty little morsels calls to me, though. Whenever I go to a town that has a Taco Bell, I make a belabored point of getting my tacos.

SO! Tomorrow, we are going to Twin Falls, the city that is home to the nearest Target. It is about 70 miles away, or something. I am not good with distances. It takes a little over an hour to get there. BUT! There is a Taco Bell in Twin.

Tomorrow, however, is going to be a sad day. I am still on this CUNTPUNTER of a diet, so I can't eat six tacos with a combined caloric content of 13409283325098, 4250923458 of those calories from saturated fat. So I am driving OVER AN HOUR to a place that I visit maybe FOUR TIMES A YEAR, and I am MISSING my chance to gorge myself on tacos.

I am almost literally depressed about this. I am literally sad. Like, I kind of don't want to go, just because I don't want to have to drive by the Taco Bell without stopping. It is going to be all I can think of tomorrow.

FUCKING FUCK GUEWIOFHW:?IGH WOIGHWEGF"OIHFUCK.

I had better be smoking hot by Christmas, or my Christmas present to myself is going to be a 24-pack. Of tacos.

Thanks to Google, I found this. I am torn between horror and understanding.

Things That Overwhelm Me

The sensation of being overwhelmed is not necessarily a bad one. You can be overwhelmed with joy, with happiness, with pleasure, with excitement.

Then again, you can be overwhelmed with pressure, fear, stress, anxiety, and hunger.

I am slightly hungry right now, but not nearly enough for status overwhelmed.

I am, however, a touch overwhelmed with the things going on in my life right now. If by "things going on in my life" I mean emotional baggage I have been carrying around for absolute ages that is starting to get too heavy. Like, if I was flying, they would make me pay $100 to check it. Which, I guess, means that it is over 50 pounds, and when I think about it that way, it doesn't seem like much. I mean, I can lift 50 pounds easily. Carrying it around all the time might get... cumbersome. But it's not like it would be impossible.

Sometimes, labels overwhelm me. Naming things with such definitiveness, when it is possible-- no, probable!-- that there is more to it than one multi-syllabic label. I mean, look at the ingredients on the back of your Gatorade. I am more complex than that. I am not one label.

It is easy to be overwhelmed by a label, too, though. Whether it's "dyslexia" or "Prada". One for one reason, one for another. That's why we have names, not labels.

You can call me Overwhelmed.

Resolved!

So you know how people make New Year's resolutions, then never keep them? The gym is all crowded for two weeks, the liquor stores are desolate, cigarette sales go down, and there's not an empty pew in church? Then two weeks in, everything is back to the status quo.

I think maybe part of it might be the timing. You are asking people not to drink or smoke or eat greasy burgers and instead to go to the gym and church the morning on which they wake up with their worst hangover of the year. Also, it is the dead of winter, and the Super Bowl is right around the corner. Please. That would be like trying to fast on Thanksgiving Day.

OK, so here is the thing. Right now? We have a solid month (slightly more, actually) before Thanksgiving. It is the end of summer but not yet snow-clogged, depressing winter. And what you really need is ONE solid month of unbroken resolution. ONE month. If you can do it for 30 days, chances are you can do it almost forever. Unless "it" is not breathing. Wait, no, that totally works. If "it" is... running a marathon a day, you would definitely die, though, and not be able to keep it up.

I am getting sidetracked. MY POINT IS! Now is the time, ladies and gents. The hour is upon us. Make haste. YEA! MAKE HASTE!

Where did that come from. It must be really late.

MY RESOLUTION: To make no resolutions, because all I do is break them.

WINING

I am wining but also whining tonight.

The wining was the 7-bottle blind tasting we held at our house. It was so much freaking fun. One person picks 12 bottles, a third party wraps 6 of them, then we go through them, one through six, and when we're done, we unveil them, starting with the acknowledged worst one.

In past tastings, we've had $8 bottles beat out $75 bottles. It's strange, everyone generally comes to a consensus on the ordering of the wines. There are usually a few that we love, a couple we like, and maybe one or two clear losers. Tonight was mind-blowing as usual, as hubby's favorite wine placed fifth, and I recognized two of my favorites by taste and was RIGHT, FUCK YEAH.

So. I highly recommend double-blind tastings.

Secondly, I just wanted to whine a little bit. Because I did.

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.

OK, now I am going to finish watching Kung Fu Panda with the kid and go to sleep.

Bonus! Picture I took at the grocery store as it was starting to rain and the smoke was rising from a fire out Indian Creek that a lightning bolt started. It's going to be smoky all up in this valley for a few days.

Beautiful.

Goodnight!

I Am Preserving This for Future Generations.

This is one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, short of my husband who has done more than anyone ever could. These friends have made me so happy, so proud, and so grateful.

I would post the videos here, but as I'm not in them, and to preserve privacy somewhat, I will post a link to the original depository of the Love Bomb.

BAM.

Things You Wanted to Say Today But Didn't

If I were to tell you all of the things I wanted to say today but didn't, those things would fit in no space.

It's strange, I'm not generally a quiet person, but sometimes I get in these... moods. And then I speak so sparingly that a blind person could confuse me for a nun with a vow of silence.

It is easy to feel like quiet spells are unnatural when we are expected to Tweet every twitch and discuss every disgust. All of the things are open to opinion and opining. But the simple fact that we are able to broadcast our every breath doesn't make it necessary. Brevity can be the soul of wit just as loquacity can be the whole idiot.

It is okay not to talk all the time. It is okay to watch and wait and store things away for later. It is okay, sometimes, just to listen.