2011/2012

I posted this elsewhere, but would like it to reside here.

My 2011 was weird and not very great.

On the plus side, I stopped drinking like an alcoholic, and started drinking like a normal person. My team won the Superbowl last year, and looks like they're headed there again this year. I gained and lost 20 pounds. I started my happy blog, which has been sadly neglected for a while, but will be up again soon. I got to meet some online friends. I took over the operation of my business, and while we aren't exactly up this year, we aren't down, either, which is good news. Perhaps most significantly, I found and strengthened some friendships, especially here at this internet place, but also in my day-to-day life. It has always been hard for me to... I don't know, open up to people. So that is a big thing.

On the downside, a few close friends and relatives of mine died suddenly this year. One of my close friends was diagnosed with cancer and began chemo. I had some major changes in my personal life-- a lot of upheaval and sadness, which is kind of carrying over to this year, although it is slightly muted by the progression of time.

On the I-don't-know-how-to-feel-about-it side, which would be the middle side, I have begun steps toward recovery from problems I have carried with me for a long time. I am trying to be a person again.

I am hoping that 2012 will be drastically different from this year. I am very confused and lost in my life right now, and I am hoping that time will straighten out some of the kinks. I want this year to be the year where I am myself, and I am okay with that.

We will see.

Halloween Hell-Raisin'

So are any of you dressing up for Halloween this year? There was some talk over on BBP about costumes and parties, and it made me think of last year's Halloween party.

I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through that again.

Apparently we all thought Halloween bringing out the kid in all of us would mean that we'd rebound like highschoolers. No such luck. The aftermath of last year's party included two people in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, one ride home in a police car, two concussions, one broken foot, two people that could not move from bed for three days each, and a hangover that lasted almost a week.

Moral of the story: We are not as young as we used to be. But that won't make us act our age.

This year's party is supposed to be Saturday night. As of right now? I am thinking that a box of wine and a movie sounds like a better idea. Because I like to be classy on Halloween.

If we do end up going, my fallback costume is going to be slicking my hair with gel, putting on my jersey, and going as Clay Matthews. At least that way I won't be falling out of four-inch heels like I was last year. If I can scrounge up some pads and a helmet I'd be even better prepared for the party...

Shitshow Kitchen: The Best Roast Chicken EVAR (plus Bonus Garlic Mashed Potatoes)

I know what you are thinking. Roast chicken? Um, that seems like A.) alot of work, and 2.) impossible for me to make without screwing it over. Well, THINK AGAIN. This is so ridiculously easy that if it didn't involve chopping some stuff, handling raw chicken, and using an oven, a child could do it. OK, that was a really bad comparison. A child would cut off their hands, get salmonella, and light themselves on fire making this. But YOU will be fine. And it is SO EFFING DELICIOUS. It takes almost NO time to throw together, and the end result is perfect, every time. The chicken recipe is lifted wholesale from Ina Garten, who is my favorite.

You can tell this is healthy, because there are alot of veggies. And fruit.

INGERDIENTES! (How did that even happen right there. Well, you know what I mean.)

1 (5 to 6 pound) whole chicken
Kosher salt
Freshly ground black pepper
1 large bunch fresh thyme
1 lemon, halved
1 head garlic, cut in half crosswise
1/4 C butter (half a stick)
1 large yellow onion, thickly sliced
4 carrots cut into 2-inch chunks
1 bulb of fennel, tops removed, and cut into wedges
Olive oil
4 Yukon Gold potatoes
5 cloves garlic
1/4 C milk
3 T butter

If you are making this meal right away, then preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Usually, I get this chopped/buttered/together in the morning, then put foil over the whole thing, throw it in the fridge, and put it in the oven an hour and a half before I want to serve it. Make sure your oven racks are on the lowest levels, or you will not have room for the chicken and you'll have to finagle them while they're smoking hot and your chicken is ready and you will undoubtedly burn yourself.

This is how we core the fennel, core the fennel, core the fennel

I do the veggies first. Chop them very roughly, into big chunks. Make sure you remove the fronds and the root-y type area from the fennel bulb first. And if you have never had fennel, you are MISSING OUT, DUDE. It is the Best Roast Veggie Evar.

Mmm. huge ol' chunks of fennel. These are going to be my favorite part.

Anyway, chop 'em all up, throw 'em in a roasting pan.

This was super easy but did require a knife so a three-year-old technically can't do it. YOU ARE SO ADULT!

Drizzle a little olive oil over the whole thing, then sprinkle it with a teaspoon or so of kosher salt and some pepper. Scatter about a third of your thyme branches over the veggies. THE VEGETABLES ARE READY. I know, so easy! So easy I can do it!

We are also pretty. Very, very, pretty. But not smart.

The chicken is slightly more difficult, but just barely. Take the giblets out of the cavity, then rinse the whole chicken, inside and out. If there are random chunks of skin or whatever, remove them so it looks like a chicken is supposed to look, not like Frankenstein. Make sure you kind of give it a once-over for any big feather quills that might have been missed.

Naked chicken!! It's NAKED!

Salt and pepper the inside of the chicken, then stuff the garlic and lemon inside with the thyme. Truss the leg bones (tie them together with string or do what I do, poke holes in the skin by the legs and pop each drumstick into the opposite side's skin. It works just as well, and doesn't leave the minty tang that dental floss does). Flip the wing tips under the body, then put the chicken on top of the veggies. I like to put the chicken on a rack over the vegetables, but I don't think it is necessary. Melt half a stick of butter in the microwave and pour the melted butter over the chicken, trying to coat all of the skin. The excess will go on the veggies which is totally fine. Salt and pepper it, then either put foil over the whole thing and put it in the fridge for later, or throw it in the oven.

It already looks good.

After you put the chicken in the oven, peel a few potatoes and a few cloves of garlic.

Yukon Gold, baby

Chop the potato roughly and put them with the whole cloves into a pot.

Tasty makers

Cover the potatoes with water, cover the pot, and put it on medium heat when the chicken's been in the oven for about 30 minutes. In the meantime, throw a few tablespoons of butter, a little splash of milk, and some thyme (not the branches, just the leaves) into a mixing bowl.

Fat fatty fat fat

When the potatoes mush apart when you push on them with a fork, they are ready-- it should be right around the time you pull out the chicken, which has to rest 20 minutes anyway. Drain them and throw them in the bowl. I know you're not supposed to do mashed potatoes this way, but eff that. They come out absolutely gorgeous and it is way easier than doing it by hand. Mix them on low just until everything comes together. You might need a dash more milk to make them the right consistency.

These are parfait, and I did nothing fussy to them.

Roast the chicken for 75-90 minutes at 425, or until the juices run clear when you cut between a leg and thigh. It is possible that the chicken will be done after an hour-- this happened to me. Just take the chicken out, tent it with foil, and keep roasting the veggies for another 20 minutes or so. You should let the chicken sit for 20 minutes anyway, since it will do something sciency to help the meat retain its juices. Plus, you can drain off the juices from the veggies at this point and make gravy. Nom.

I know!! IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

And there you have it, folks. Mashed potatoes. Veggies. Beautiful brown chicken. Gravy if you made it (juice from the pan, fat skimmed off, little bit of flour and butter, some milk/water, whisk it over high heat, BAM). EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY.

 I LOVE ME SO MUCH FOR MAKING THIS!

Enjoy.

Shitshow Kitchen: Meatloafballs

So, the reason I call these meatloafballs? They are basically my meatloaf, pared down to bite-sized. You could totally make these into loaves (that word sounds so wrong paired with meat) or even brush them with ketchup five minutes before they're done to make mini-meatloaves that will get you laid. Or you can do what I did, and make the oldest of the old school sauces, using totally prepared ingredients.

I know. First boxed cake mix, now this. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO, IT IS LIKE I AM SANDRA LEE. 

But seriously. The meatballs take a minute, not much more, since all you do is dump everything together and then throw it in the oven. The sauce takes less than a minute since it is just all about opening jars and cans. You can do this. Your friends will be amazed. Your romantic interests will become lovers. Your mother will APPROVE OF YOU!!! OK, maybe not that last one. But it was worth a shot.

MOVING ON!

You'll note soy sauce is not in the recipe. DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNN Spoiler alert...

Ingredients:
3lbs. extra lean ground beef
4 slices bread, crumbed
3/4 C milk
3 eggs
2 mushrooms, chopped tiny
1 small or 1/2 large yellow onion, chopped tiny
2 cloves garlic, pressed
2 T Worcestershire sauce
2 T dry mustard
Optional: 1 t tarragon, 1/4 t cumin, 1/2 t sage

OK! Here we go. Set your oven to 400. Throw everything in a bowl. Mix it together. Make balls. Cook them 20 minutes. VOILA!!

What, you want MORE steps? *Dramatic sigh* FINE. So meat in bowl first. Then make your bread slices into crumbs. I did not feel like taking out the food processor, so I just chopped it with a knife. It's better if the crumbs are smaller, but whatever. This is a shitshow anyway.

In no way small or uniform or crumbs

Throw the bread into the bowl with the meat and pour the milk over the crumbs. The goal is to get them to soak up the milk. Chop up your onion pretty small (you can grate or use a food processor if you want), and the mushrooms, too. The mushrooms, in case you were wondering, enhance the beef flavor. I didn't really cut mine that small because I was being lazy. But the smaller the better with this stuff. You can press the garlic (vastly preferable because it's vastly easier) or mince it.

All the things, pre-mix

Put everything in the bowl, all of it. I didn't have Worcestershire sauce, which is ESSENTIAL to get the best flavor, so I subbed in like half the amount in soy sauce. We shall see if that ruins all the things (This turned out OK, but it may have been missing that special something. Who am I kidding, they were still fabulous).

Meat mix, AKA Adult Play-doh

Ok, so I also was thinking, hey, I wonder how many meatballs this will make. Because mostly I just threw this stuff together. trying to approximate measurements as it went into the bowl. The spices were literally the first three jars I grabbed that sounded good. Other than the mustard, which is essential.

Various sizes. Charlie kept trying to make tiny ones "for the cat."

In the end? I had to jerry-rig my meatball pans because I had ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN of them.

You will be glad you made 137 when you are down to the last 3

This is good, though, because the mickey mousing led me to realize that you really want to bake these things on racks if at all possible.

We were baked on racks. We are perfect and brown.

Otherwise they kind of stew in their own juices and get all soft and not really like the brown you want.

We are anemic and nasty-looking, and need some makeup badly

So I had to throw the ones from the bottom of the pan back in on the racks for a few minutes to get them nice.

HOLY GOD THESE ARE SO GOOD. So like I said, you can do the ketchup-brushing in the last five minutes, or just douse them in ketchup out of the oven, because they taste exactly like meatloaf-- OR. OR you can make a sauce for them.

Sauce: One from each side, or a mix of all of them.

WE ARE SO DISJUNCTIVE

I used all of them, mixed together. Whole bottle chili sauce, whole cranberry sauce, whole jelly, about 1/2 a bottle of BBQ sauce. Just throw 'em in a bowl, mix 'em up, and toss into a crock pot.

This looks so nasty. But it melds into a beautiful sauce that everyone at your Superbowl Party will love.

Put the meatballs in, then mix it all up, kinda carefully, with a spatula. Turn it to high for about an hour, maybe two. Or low for three hours. Stir it a couple times if you're around. Otherwise, stir it up a few times before serving. The various sauces will melt into eachother and soak into the meatballs a little and NOM.

Eff. Yes.

Everyone loves you AGAIN!! Didn't you just make that awesome WIIINES Cake? And those tasty little tomatoes? Man. You are on a ROLL.

Check it. I wanted to take more pictures but I forgot because I was busy eating and then they were GONE.

Fourth of July

At the Rodeo

They both got licorice ropes as long as Charlie is tall

Can you spot the buckin' bronco?

Yeeeeeehaw!

Charlie at the parade today

At the kid's carnival after the parade. Charlie looks closer to the water action than he was.

See? That is him, WAY over on the right edge. He didn't want to get wet.

We've gone to the rodeo and the parade and a kid's carnival so far. We live on the bike race route, so there are bikers going by the house at crazy speeds, an announcer about a block away, and live bands playing at four separate places within three blocks of our house. This, combined with the fact that we live one block off the parade route, means that our house is parked in.

Also, strangers parked in our parking spots in front of our house, and also in our driveway, right in front of our garage doors. WHO DOES THAT. I want to call and have their cars towed, because it is MY fucking driveway, but I guess I'll give them 'til tonight to get their asses off of my property. I don't know what it is about strangers using your yard and driveway for parking, but it is one of those things that tips me from "normal human being" to "raging beast" within seconds.

I keep telling myself, "Self, it is a holiday, let the people have fun." But then I think, "Even if I were parking in some strange town, I would have the common decency and courtesy not to park in someone else's DRIVEWAY FOR GOD'S SAKE."

Hmph. Maybe I need a nap before the fireworks start. Literally and figuratively.