COMING SOON!

I am going to take some after pictures tonight, if I can remember. Otherwise I will do it tomorrow. All the things are done. ALL THE THINGS. As of this morning. Well, except I am going to refinish the coffee table I found. It was only $7, I figured for that price it was worth a little work. And Tuesday I will have TV.

Also, my dad and his girlfriend were in town this weekend. His girlfriend is my mom's former best friend, and my mom does not know they are dating.

Also also, my mom was supposed to come out here tomorrow with a friend of hers to go skiing, then she emailed me to "let me know" that she wasn't bringing her friend, and was instead going to stay at our house Tuesday through Saturday. Shockingly, I was able to tell her that wasn't OK, and we are now scheduled to meet in Boise on Friday for a couple of days. Don't worry, I will be back in time for the Packers game. So this means I get a couple-day reprieve between parental visits, which is...awesome. And I kind of stood up for myself with my mom. It almost made me vomit to tell her that it was not OK for her to invite herself to stay at my house for a week, but I DID IT GODDAMN IT.

I think I was only able to do it because I am so frazzled and on edge that I honestly could not handle the thought of her being in my home right now. Plus I am nursing a hangover on two hours' sleep. It added a sense of urgency.

Anyway, sorry for the boring post, but I PROMISE YOU WILL HAVE PICTURES SOON! AND MAYBE GRAPHS! LOOK, I WILL SPICE THIS UP RIGHT NOW WITH AN IMPROMPTU POEM!

The days are colliding and smearing
And so far the things that we're fearing
Have all come to pass,
Like ice in a glass,
Cold, smoking, and burned.

Hm. That was kind of depressing. Sorry.

Daily Om: The Message of Pain

So one of my dear friends (whom I will attribute/link if she so wishes) posted this recently, and it was something I needed to hear. Via the Daily Om.



Both emotional and physical pain are messages that we need to stop and pay attention.

When we feel pain, our first impulse is often to eradicate it with medication. This is an understandable response, but sometimes in our hurry to get rid of pain, we forget that it is the body's way of letting us know that it needs our attention. A headache can inform us that we're hungry or stressed just as a sore throat might be telling us that we need to rest our voice. If we override these messages instead of respond to them, we risk worsening our condition. In addition, we create a feeling of disconnectedness between our minds and our bodies.

Physical pain is not the only kind of pain that lets us know our attention is needed. Emotional pain provides us with valuable information about the state of our psyche, letting us know that we have been affected by something and that we would do well to focus our awareness inward. Just as we tend to a cut on our arm by cleaning and bandaging it, we treat a broken heart by surrounding ourselves with love and support. In both cases, if we listen to our pain we will know what to do to heal ourselves. It's natural to want to resist pain, but once we understand that it is here to give us valuable information, we can relax a bit more, and take a moment to listen before we reach for medication. Sometimes this is enough to noticeably reduce the pain, because its message has been heard. Perhaps we seek to medicate pain because we fear that if we don't, it will never go away. It can be empowering to realize that, at least some of the time, it is just a matter of listening and responding.

The next time you feel pain, either physical or emotional, you might want to try listening to your own intuition about how to relieve your pain. Maybe taking a few deep breaths will put an end to that headache. Perhaps writing in your journal about hurt feelings will ease your heart. Ultimately, the message of pain is all about healing.

Sorry, Charlie

Yeah, I deleted that post. The one that showed up in all of your readers and you can't access. Well, I "unpublished" it. Almost the same thing. Anyway, I did it because I was overtired/overemotional/over...drunk? maybe. But it was just a pathetic rant, the kind that you need to let out but you don't really need to let out in the open.

Things are still shitty. But I am going to be OK. Right? I mean, I am, she said, with finality and conviction.

One of my friends is a contractor, and he's charging me only an arm to put in all the flooring, not an arm and a leg. They started today. I got most of the painting done already. The appliances are going to be delivered Sunday.

Except I forgot to get a shower. Whoops. And I keep putting it off, every day I think of it. For no apparent reason. I am sure Guinny understands the whole not-understanding-this-ness of that.

I had to come back early because the wood for the floors came in to the store, and I had to get it into the apartment ASAP for it to "season" or acclimate or some shit. Anyway, it cut my weekend of me time short. I might end up doing it again next weekend; it kind of depends on how this week goes.

I am thankful for all of my friends. Without you, I would not be getting through this. With you, I am surviving.

P.S. Thinking about getting this couch. What say you, friends? I thought I'd ask you since I'm basically picking out a bed for you.

There may be a slight delay...

TWELVE DAYS????!?!???!?

I mean, I knew it had been a while, but... well, I'm not gonna lie to you, I thought it was longer than twelve days ago. It feels like aeons, although I don't remember those last two posts, so that should say something.

Bottom line, I have been in the death throes of relationship woes for the last...well, more than a month. And I'm trying to remodel the shithole of an apartment we have over our garage in double time for the last... two weeks? Maybe slightly less? More? Time has no meaning.

Anyway, I am moving out. And thus begins a new chapter. ? I feel like all of my statements should be followed by question marks. Nothing seems certain and everything seems like some mix of nightmare and inevitability.

I guess it was high time I disclosed it. Since all of my friends know. But none of my family. Should I keep it under wraps, this possible dissolution (which hubby insists is just a need for space and time while he sees someone else) of my 12-year relationship (initally I put "marriage", but we weren't married the WHOLE time), or should I just milk it for all it is worth before Christmas and ask for TJ Maxx gift cards to furnish the place?

I am completely lost and hidden in the darkness right now. I was going to wait until my triumphant move into a gorgeous new apartment, but doing all of the gruntwork myself is not only disheartening, in the same way that constructing one's own coffin holds the promise of very outweighed rewards, but also time-consuming and KILLING ME. I know there is improper agreement somewhere there, but I do not care. I do not care about GRAMMAR. This is serious.

Fuck me.

Halloween Hell-Raisin'

So are any of you dressing up for Halloween this year? There was some talk over on BBP about costumes and parties, and it made me think of last year's Halloween party.

I am not sure if I am willing to put myself through that again.

Apparently we all thought Halloween bringing out the kid in all of us would mean that we'd rebound like highschoolers. No such luck. The aftermath of last year's party included two people in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, one ride home in a police car, two concussions, one broken foot, two people that could not move from bed for three days each, and a hangover that lasted almost a week.

Moral of the story: We are not as young as we used to be. But that won't make us act our age.

This year's party is supposed to be Saturday night. As of right now? I am thinking that a box of wine and a movie sounds like a better idea. Because I like to be classy on Halloween.

If we do end up going, my fallback costume is going to be slicking my hair with gel, putting on my jersey, and going as Clay Matthews. At least that way I won't be falling out of four-inch heels like I was last year. If I can scrounge up some pads and a helmet I'd be even better prepared for the party...

WINING

I am wining but also whining tonight.

The wining was the 7-bottle blind tasting we held at our house. It was so much freaking fun. One person picks 12 bottles, a third party wraps 6 of them, then we go through them, one through six, and when we're done, we unveil them, starting with the acknowledged worst one.

In past tastings, we've had $8 bottles beat out $75 bottles. It's strange, everyone generally comes to a consensus on the ordering of the wines. There are usually a few that we love, a couple we like, and maybe one or two clear losers. Tonight was mind-blowing as usual, as hubby's favorite wine placed fifth, and I recognized two of my favorites by taste and was RIGHT, FUCK YEAH.

So. I highly recommend double-blind tastings.

Secondly, I just wanted to whine a little bit. Because I did.

WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE.

OK, now I am going to finish watching Kung Fu Panda with the kid and go to sleep.

Bonus! Picture I took at the grocery store as it was starting to rain and the smoke was rising from a fire out Indian Creek that a lightning bolt started. It's going to be smoky all up in this valley for a few days.

Beautiful.

Goodnight!

Drunk Post #1

Not that this is going to be some sort of repeat occurrence. I am just saying, it took me three tries to even get here, and one of those tries involved typing this address into the tab bar.

There are few times that I allow myself to intoxicate anymore, and apparently September 2 is one of them.

I think it was the fact that I worked my muscles to exhaustion doing that thing I won't talk about (that is not sex you dirty people) and then I didn't have alot of food. Because it is intake and output, people. IT IS SCIENCE.

I am so killing this thing day one. I had innumerable temptations, too. And I stuck to my guns. Or my dietary restrictions. Guns sounds more badass so let's go with that.

Also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um... I forget. I think I was going to say something about Bon Jovi or Celine Dion, whose concerts I watched tonight on screens as big as a wall at my friend Dave's house.

YOU GIVE LOOOOOVE A BAD NAME

OOOOOOOOH WE'RE HALFWAY THERE
OOOOOOOOOOH LIVIN' ON A PRAAAAAAYER
TAKE MY HAND
WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAAAAAAAAR
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH LIVIN' ON A PRAAAAYER

And I forget the rest.

Don't you wish you were here with me. The Eagles are next... I feel "Life's Been Good" coming on.

Shitshow Kitchen: Fondue!

I know, I know. I have been gone FOR-EV-ERR. You thought that perhaps I had deserted you, or maybe run off and joined a convent in repentance for my last post.

YOU WERE WRONG.

Here I am, back again, all the traveling and laundry and business catch-up done. Well, mostly done. OK, I am procrastinating finishing all that shit by posting here. What can I say? I have my priorities in line.

Tonight, ladies and gents, I made fondue. Fondue! YES! FONDUE!!

This is perfection. If your mouth is not watering, you should go to the doctor and get checked for that.

Fondue is awesome to make when you have friends over with whom you are comfortable sharing a pot of cheese. I guess you could try not to eat off of the long fondue forks but it is kind of impossible. People love this shit, yo.

And I am going to excuse the rest of my post by saying... um, I made fondue. And it really just gets you shithoused. IT DOES. For some reason there is just more alcohol than you anticipate, every time. It doesn't matter how you make it or how many people eat it or what. You are wasted at the end.

Which is right now.

OK!

Ingredients
16 oz (1 lb.) Gruyère cheese (or Swiss Cheese)
2 T flour
2 cloves garlic
2 C white wine plus MOAR for drinking
1 T lemon juice
1 shot Kirsch (AKA Cherry Brandy or Cherry liquor)
1 t nutmeg
1-2 loaves French Bread
Optional: An apple, a pear, boiled potatoes, or blanched broccoli, cut into cubes

Shred your cheese. I am pissed I didn't remember to get a photo of the unshredded block, since I got ACTUAL Gruyère, which is super spendy. I always used to make it with store brand Swiss when I was in grad school, so this was a momentous occasion. Oh well.  

Like half the ingredients. I don't know why I didn't take this picture with bread, etc... whatever.

Please ignore the red flecks in the cheese. I used my food processor to shred it, which is really easy, but which accidentally shredded the stamped rind. Um... yeah. Hey, it is not like it is poisonous. Just not so photogenic. Anyway. Sprinkle the flour onto the shredded cheese and give it kind of enough of a toss so that all of the cheese is slightly coated. The flour helps it to separate better when it hits the wine, and therefore makes it melt more uniformly and not all clumpy and weird.

Open your wine and pour a 2 cups plus one glass for yourself. Mmm.

Please use an acceptable Chardonnay. Something you would drink all by itself.

Cut your garlic clove in half and rub the cut sides on the bottom and sides of a medium-large saucepan and your fondue pot or crock pot. Yes, crock pot. My fondue pot was broken the last time we made it when one of my overexuberant (read: drunk) guests literally threw it into the sink and it shattered. Anyway, whatever you have. One or the other. Rub it all up with garlic. Rawr. Leave some garlic shreds strewn about the vessel because they are tasty. Then turn your crock pot/fondue pot to low and turn your burner on low. Measure out two cups of wine and throw it in the saucepan.

The beginning of the end

Realize you forgot to cube the bread. DAMMIT! Hurriedly cube it.

I didn't have time to take a picture of it cubed. Use your imagination.

When it starts to kind of form a bit of a bubbly froth on top, like it is aerating excessively but NOT boiling, add your tablespoon of lemon juice, give it a stir, then transfer to your fondue pot if you have one (or just leave it in the saucepan if you don't), and add a smallish handful of shredded cheese.

Do not add more than a little bit or you will be sorry.

You only add a little so you can incorporate it fully relatively quickly, and you have to stir it constantly so it doesn't burn or congeal. If you add too much, it becomes this blob of cheese in the midst of a bunch of liquor. So just be patient! Have a drink. Mmmm, wine. When the cheese is fully incorporated it will look kind of like this:

Unappetizing? GOD YOU ARE SO IMPATIENT.

Keep doing that. Make sure each handful melts really well, to the point that it's just kind of cheese crumbs in the liquor. After about four handfuls it will look more like this:

I look the same. Bitch is crazy.

You can see kind of the extent to which the cheese has melted on the spatula. When you've got it all stirred in, Add the KIRSCH! That is right, more liquor. Because that is how we roll. The Kirsch actually helps to achieve the super-smooth consistency you want in fondue.

Kirsch I bought last year when I last made fondue. Thank God liquor stays.

Sprinkle the nutmeg on top and stir it in. You can add some cracked pepper, and maybe a dash of salt, but I forgot. This is where I transferred mine to the preheated crock pot. Keep your fondue pot heated or your crock pot on low(ish) while you enjoy the fondue.

I didn't sprinkle the nutmeg very well, so it kind of clumped up before I stirred it in.

Serve with bread cubes and/or all the other shit I listed in the ingredients, plus MOAR WINE for drinking, because it is TRADITION, yo. We used La Crema for the fondue and Rombauer Chard to drink because it is the best and I already told you we were splurging with the fahnsay cheese, so why not the wine, too?

Picture Charlie took while I was getting everything set up outside

So there is a method for dipping. You stab the bread or whatever you're dipping pretty securely, then plunge it to the bottom of the pot and make a figure eight with it, then bring it out. The figure eight ensures that you are kind of stirring it up, because otherwise the liquor might separate out onto the top of the cheese (if it does, just give it a stir with a spatula) or it might burn on the bottom (stir with spatula and maybe turn it down a touch). If you lose your bread into the pot, you have to forfeit a kiss (or some other agreed-upon penalty). IT IS TRADITION.

OMG GET IN MAH MOUF

Also, if the cheese starts getting too thick and not liquidy enough for dipping, add a little bit of Kirsch at a time, stirring to incorporate, until it is the proper consistency again.

By the end of the night, you will all be drunk. If you are not drunk, you did not have enough fondue and/or did not properly enjoy the beverage service. Then you can post about it on your blog or do something you will possibly regret with one of your guests.

Serves 2-4

Fuck. Yes.

I have been waiting for this beer since our reserves ran out in December. It's back, baby. With orange zest from Seville, Spain. Cocoa nibs from Theo's. Pasilla Negra chiles. Bourban barrels. An Imperial Porter, 22-oz Bomber, the top dipped in black wax.

Yes, this is the view from my bathtub.

Review: Arizona No Carb Diet Green Tea with Ginseng

First of all, fuck for what, why is the name a million words long?

Secondly. This is the proper size for iced tea. It is 23 ounces of refreshing goodness. That's 680 mL for those of you who are in the wrong countries.

Third. Tastewise, this thing is like... the lovechild of Sweet Tea and water. It has a touch of honey, so it kind of coats your mouth with a little sweetness, then punches in with some tang towards the end. But it really tastes nothing like tea-- no tannic effect or dark flavor. It is more along the lines of a water with lemon and honey.

YET! It is lightly caffeinated. Just enough to keep you awake at 5:30PM on a Wednesday when you were up all night with a sick toddler and have been at work all day and still need to make it until 7:00 before you can lock the store and run home to take a bath and fall into bed.

Fifthly or something, it has zero calories, no sugar, and 75% of your daily dose of Vitamin C.

Also, DOUBLE BONUS, it is only 99 cents.

In conclusion: cheap, big, relatively inoffensive on the tastebuds, like water but tasty, with a slight buzz of caffeine and NO SUGAR??

8/10

Underpromise, overdeliver!

So, I promised a lot of things. EVEN ALOT OF THINGS. Yesterday. Such as a GREAT POST! And PICTURES! And some sort of pigeon pun what was that even....

Anyway. I am only here to tell you that the day is about to come to a close, and unless I can pull some sort of angora bunny out of my ass, there is not going to be even one of those things in this post. WAIT A SECOND...

PHOTOBUCKET BOMB!

Yeah, I test liquor.

RAWR

Our wine cellar, circa two days ago

What. The. Fuck. Claw Machine, you have got to be kidding me.

Yeah, we got that cow. AND ALL HER FRIENDS.

Best album since Relapse. And yes, we got that many. To give to friends.

Twinkies don't kill people. Twinkies with guns kill people.

OK. I hope this sates you all for a while. Or at least until tomorrow.

Instance the First

In which I post inebriated, yet manage to spell all the words correctly, and even use the adverb "correctly" in place of the adjective "right".

Also, in which I excuse my pseudo-drunkenness (which is not really drunkenness, as we all know that involves spelling errors and gross judgment indiscretion) with "heavy life stuff," and leave that stoner term just dangling for the loosest interpretation available.

Lastly, in which you excuse me anyway, even though my excuse is lame, my post is lamer, and my inability to post drunken booby pics is lamest. BUT I DO NOT POST WEINERGATE STUFF! Don't you know I'm going to be pope some day?

AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaah, there it is. The grossly inappropriate comment that forces me to say,

Goodnight!