Autocorrect, DIAFGFA.

Since I am sans computer for the last few and the next few days, or at least until HP ships me my recovery disks, because God forbid they actually include them with the purchase of my laptop, I have been using my phone to keep from falling back into the pre-information age, or the preformed age, as I am wont to call it just now. Also, I have picked up an affinity for run-ons and a dangerous carelessness with verb tense and mood.

My point being, and do you know I hate it when people use that construction? Usually because they often follow it up with the word "is", and nothing bothers me more than a repeated being verb with the possible exception of never knowing on which side of the quotations punctuation should fall.

Anyway, my point is, is that I have been using my phone for ALL THE THINGS. And you know what this experience has taught me, even more than "Don't leave your computer laying around where the kid can manhandle it and delete important system files?"?

It has taught me that I hate autocorrect. HATE. ABHOR. WISH DEATH UPON. DESIRE THE DEMISE OF. It is basically the absolute worst thing, ever. I hate its smug attitude. Its predisposition to replace sense with nonsense. Its maniacal bent toward making me appear illiterate and undereducated. When I type "She lets us go over there if it's nice," I do not want autocorrect to hijack me and instead say, "Should let's go overall there's if its Nick." Not only does this not make sense, it also creates the necessity of deciding between deleting ALL THE THINGS or trying to wade through the whole morass, one errant screen swipe at a time, editing and deleting, because most of the letters are already there, and let's be honest, if you delete and fix it you'll be back at square one with "Show letter use to overnight The if itself Nicole."

Also? Using a phone increases my paranoia that I will lose any note of length by about a bajillionty fold. You know why? Becquerel (What the ever living fuck? I mean, for real. Under no circumstances is that a word.)-- BECAUSE, my phone just shuts down the web browser at indeterminate junctures, losing all information and sending my teeth into fits of gnashing and my robes into fits of rending.

So I'd better sign off, but not before telling autocorrect that I hope it Dies in a Freak Gasoline Fight Accident.

PANIC

Why does communicating with people sometimes send me into a blind panic? For real. I had to check my voicemail, and I am supposed to call my grandma, who is not feeling well and is 89, and one of my best friends, whom I have not spoken with in months. These are people I love, and I should not be dreading this.

It is now 4:00, I've been off of work for FOUR HOURS, and I managed to check my voicemail (which I haven't done in literally over a month). Just going through and deleting all of the messages got me sweating. Like I had run a mile or something. I wrote nothing down. I tried to remember some of the details. Mostly, I deleted.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, PEOPLE. IF I HAVE NOT ASKED YOU TO CALL ME, PLEASE DO NOT CALL ME.

I almost hung up immediately, but the first message on my voicemail is one I've saved for years. It's from January of 2009. Literally, saved for years. And it makes me smile. And the second one is one that I've been saving for a while, too, because it makes me happy. So I had the two happy messages to give me the courage to wade through the rest of them.

Now I have those two phone calls. I need to just man up and get it over with. ARGH I AM SUCH A BABY SOMETIMES.