Word of the Day

Fungible : Able to be turned into a fungus.

You'd better use those peppers soon; they are fungible and will be covered in mold if they sit in the fridge too long.

Work It, Baby

So this is how I usually try to lose weight.

1. Plan some sort of diet when none of my clothes are fitting.
2. Get sick of waiting for all of my diet planning to be done, set a date.
3. Miss deadline for starting.
4. Start the next day.
5. Workout so vigorously that I can barely tie my shoes.
6. Tell everyone about my new workout/diet program later that day.
7. Never workout again, eat pizza that night.

So I was going to come in here and complain about how I almost died today lifting for the first time in a YEAR, and how hard core I am for being a motherfucking champion beast when it comes to losing weight, but that does not seem to have worked out so well for me in the past.

Instead I am just going to say that I am bodily tired. That driving was nearly hazardous, as lifting my leg off of the gas pedal required near-Herculean effort. And that if I do end up not posting for the next few days, the most likely explanation is that I died and the Lunges were the ones that killed me.

Lung-dwelling Tamarins and Salad Dressing in the Shower

I would love to write something earth-shatteringly beautiful, or side-splittingly funny, or even something pithily philosophical today, but all I can think of is the ache in my chest and back. It is like I went to the gym and lifted weights targeting my chest and back for three hours yesterday. Except instead of that, I have just been trying to cough my lungs right out of my body. My muscles literally ache from coughing. It is like there is a furry little tamarin lodged at the bottoms of my lungs, and my body will do anything to try to get it out.

If there was a poll to determine relative happiness of all campers present, I would register somewhere near the bottom.

HOWEVER! I did entertain friends on Friday evening until something like 3AM, I cleaned all the things on Saturday and wrangled the boys to a friends' place for dinner that night, and I made food and cookies yesterday. AND! I wrote a contract piece from beginning to end. I think this means I win all the things.

Also, I astounded myself with a discovery.

I KNOW! You are dying to hear what it is. Just let me tell you.

You know how your grandma is always telling you to clean with vinegar, and you are all, "Um, grandma, we have cleaning products now. I am pretty sure I can spray down the shower with Lime Away and it will work slightly better than a salad dressing ingredient."

BUT GUESS WHAT. Lime Away costs almost $5, and you need to use a whole bottle and scrub the shit out of your shower to get any results at all. A bottle of white vinegar costs less than a dollar, and you just spray it on, let it set for a few minutes, and RINSE OFF THE FUCKING HARD WATER STAINS. FOR REAL. It is like a miracle. To me, this is like rubbing Dr. Hartmann's Hair Tonic on a bald man and watching his lustrous locks grow in front of your eyes. I was astounded.

Aaaaand that is your helpful hint of the day. I am sure that you are all glad you stopped by for that one. Now you, too, can have a sparkling clean shower, like the mother fucking adult you are.

You're welcome.

Helpful Hint

If you think someone is actively plotting your demise, they probably are.