Word of the Day

Fungible : Able to be turned into a fungus.

You'd better use those peppers soon; they are fungible and will be covered in mold if they sit in the fridge too long.

Resolved!

So you know how people make New Year's resolutions, then never keep them? The gym is all crowded for two weeks, the liquor stores are desolate, cigarette sales go down, and there's not an empty pew in church? Then two weeks in, everything is back to the status quo.

I think maybe part of it might be the timing. You are asking people not to drink or smoke or eat greasy burgers and instead to go to the gym and church the morning on which they wake up with their worst hangover of the year. Also, it is the dead of winter, and the Super Bowl is right around the corner. Please. That would be like trying to fast on Thanksgiving Day.

OK, so here is the thing. Right now? We have a solid month (slightly more, actually) before Thanksgiving. It is the end of summer but not yet snow-clogged, depressing winter. And what you really need is ONE solid month of unbroken resolution. ONE month. If you can do it for 30 days, chances are you can do it almost forever. Unless "it" is not breathing. Wait, no, that totally works. If "it" is... running a marathon a day, you would definitely die, though, and not be able to keep it up.

I am getting sidetracked. MY POINT IS! Now is the time, ladies and gents. The hour is upon us. Make haste. YEA! MAKE HASTE!

Where did that come from. It must be really late.

MY RESOLUTION: To make no resolutions, because all I do is break them.

Lung-dwelling Tamarins and Salad Dressing in the Shower

I would love to write something earth-shatteringly beautiful, or side-splittingly funny, or even something pithily philosophical today, but all I can think of is the ache in my chest and back. It is like I went to the gym and lifted weights targeting my chest and back for three hours yesterday. Except instead of that, I have just been trying to cough my lungs right out of my body. My muscles literally ache from coughing. It is like there is a furry little tamarin lodged at the bottoms of my lungs, and my body will do anything to try to get it out.

If there was a poll to determine relative happiness of all campers present, I would register somewhere near the bottom.

HOWEVER! I did entertain friends on Friday evening until something like 3AM, I cleaned all the things on Saturday and wrangled the boys to a friends' place for dinner that night, and I made food and cookies yesterday. AND! I wrote a contract piece from beginning to end. I think this means I win all the things.

Also, I astounded myself with a discovery.

I KNOW! You are dying to hear what it is. Just let me tell you.

You know how your grandma is always telling you to clean with vinegar, and you are all, "Um, grandma, we have cleaning products now. I am pretty sure I can spray down the shower with Lime Away and it will work slightly better than a salad dressing ingredient."

BUT GUESS WHAT. Lime Away costs almost $5, and you need to use a whole bottle and scrub the shit out of your shower to get any results at all. A bottle of white vinegar costs less than a dollar, and you just spray it on, let it set for a few minutes, and RINSE OFF THE FUCKING HARD WATER STAINS. FOR REAL. It is like a miracle. To me, this is like rubbing Dr. Hartmann's Hair Tonic on a bald man and watching his lustrous locks grow in front of your eyes. I was astounded.

Aaaaand that is your helpful hint of the day. I am sure that you are all glad you stopped by for that one. Now you, too, can have a sparkling clean shower, like the mother fucking adult you are.

You're welcome.

I GOT AN AWARD!!!

Look at me, getting awards! I thought I was going to get another award today but as that has not apparated yet (*ahem*, Siren) I have taken matters into my own hands and stolen an award from Rachael.

I KNOW! AN AWARD! I feel so accomplished. Suddenly, my whole day has taken a turn for the better. The miserable slump I was in this morning I have all but forgotten. My headache just disappeared. I think I might be better-looking now. No, I am sure I am.

OK, and now it is confirmed, because I'm writing this at work, and my last customer just introduced himself and told me that he thinks he loves me.

IT IS WORKING.

ETA: He just came back to tell me he loves me again. I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS. This award is awesome.

ETA: I got my other award, too... I think my hair is shinier! And my voice is more melodious! My cat just turned into a liger!

Not Afraid

(From Eminem's Not Afraid)

Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words
In the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings
Instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follows me around
But it's time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now


...aaaaand that is the line Guin wanted me to illustrate. So instead of a blog post, you get my drawing, because I have no more creativity in me tonight. Although now I kind of want to do a whole series of Eminem illustrations.

Bad Meets Evil's Hell: The Sequel

This is basically why I haven't posted much in the last few days... or done ANY WORK on that fucking project that is due Monday. I've been listening to this album on loop, too absorbed to accomplish other things when it's playing.

It's a thing of beauty. Go buy it.

What She Said

"What She Said" by Billy Collins, from Horoscopes for the Dead. © Random House, 2011. (buy now) 
(via The Writer's Almanac)

When he told me he expected me to pay for dinner,
I was like give me a break.

I was not the exact equivalent of give me a break.
I was just similar to give me a break.

As I said, I was like give me a break.

I would love to tell you
how I was able to resemble give me a break
without actually being identical to give me a break,

but all I can say is that I sensed
a similarity between me and give me a break.

And that was close enough
at that point in the evening

even if it meant I would fall short
of standing up from the table and screaming
give me a break,

for God's sake will you please give me a break?!

No, for that moment
with the rain streaking the restaurant windows
and the waiter approaching,

I felt the most I could be was like

to a certain degree

give me a break.