Shitshow Kitchen: WIIIIIINES CAKE

This recipe came from my hubby's grandma. They called it Wine Cake and didn't add the spices. I call it WIIIIIINES Cake, and spice it up a little. Even I did not mess this up significantly. First, your ingredients!

1 box yellow cake mix
1 box vanilla pudding
3/4 C sherry
3/4 C vegetable oil
4 eggs
1 t nutmeg
1/2 t mace
1/4 t cloves
powdered sugar for dusting

This cake is basically the easiest thing to make ever, on the planet. And yes, it uses box mixes. Fuck it. You know, I can make a cake from scratch, but sometimes it is nice to have something you can throw together in five minutes.

Look at all of those prepackaged ingredients. That means this is easy and also bad for you.

So here is what you do. Preheat the oven to 350F. Grease and flour your bundt pan. YES, I said BUNDT pan. That is the circle with the hole in the middle. If you do not have a bundt pan, borrow one from your mother or mother-in-law or old neighbor lady. These things used to be the shit.

I AM THE SHIT (if this was the 1970s)

Also, I cheated and didn't grease/flour. I just used that Baker's Joy spray stuff, because otherwise the flour might show up on the cake. You don't frost this one, so aesthetics are important. YES, I said aesthetics are important. I know, it might be some sort of record.

OK, moving on. Could I be more long-winded? Eff.

DUMP ALL THE THINGS IN A MIXING BOWL. Unfortunately I only had olive oil, so I used that. Let us see if it ruins all the things.

All the things!

Mix it for a second on low to so you don't spray it all over. Then turn it to high for three minutes.

Velvety smooth. Don't eat all of it yet.

Somehow, I forgot the spices. Because I am special like that. So I put them in last. You really don't need all of it-- the nutmeg is essential, but I think the other stuff adds a little somethings special.

How did I do it wrong when all I had to do was dump everything in and mix.

Pour it into the pan.

How easy was that.

Put it on the center rack of the oven and SET THE TIMER for 35 minutes. Do not forget the timer, people. Take it out of the oven and put the pan on a rack for five minutes.

This smells so effing good.

Don't worry if it looks craggy. This is the bottom.

The crevasses are tasty, too.

After five minutes, invert the pan onto another rack or a plate.

Bam, bitches

Cool it all the way, then sprinkle with powdered sugar. I use a tea strainer for that, but a strainer or sifter would work, too.

I feel prettyyyyy, oh so pretttyyyyy!

EAT THE WHOLE THING.

YUM, FOR REAL.

Seriously, it will be hard not to eat it all immediately. It is best if you make this when you are having people over, or if you have to take something to the office. Because not only will everyone love you, but you won't eat the whole thing yourself.

Look at that. It was like the easiest thing EVAR, and it is delicioso. Way to go, you. Take the rest of the day off.

This is two hours after I cut the first piece.

Another success.

Shitshow Kitchen: German Chocolate Cake, Part 4359834670

I know, I know. You are all, "Didn't we finish this thing? Like, a long time ago?" But no. We did not. I totally dropped the ball after you made the cake and the filling and frosting, and you were left with a bunch of cakes that got stale and gross and you had to throw out, and then you stirred the filling into ice cream, and ate the frosting with your finger.

I HAVE FAILED YOU. But look, people of the future, my fans who are not yet born, to you, I am just coming along a few posts later. Not WEEKS later. A mere blip on the internet in between the cake and the other stuff and the end. It is to you, the ones I have not let down already, that I dedicate the final installment of this fucking beast of a post.

OK! I am going to run through this like a marathon. HERE WE GO!

FIRST! take a cardboard box, cut out a square or circle or whatever that is a couple inches bigger than your cake, and cover it in aluminum foil. Then take a few strips of wax paper and lay them along the outermost couple inches of the makeshift cakeboard.

I look homemade.

Stir the pecans into the coconut goo.

REFRAIN FROM EATING ME

Split your two cakes in half. NOT LIKE YOU CUT A PIE. You have to do it with a serrated knife, on the side of the cake, so you end up with two thin cakes. Try to do it evenly or your cake will resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Halve the cake like THIS.

Take one layer, lay it on your board, and smear it with the coconut goo.

OMGOMGOMG DO NOT EAT IT YET

Repeat three times. Then you should have something resembling a cake.

I AM LEEEEGIOOOOON

Scratch that 'resembling a cake' BS. You should have something that looks like a wildebeest on your cake board. If you frost it now, it will look like a frosted wildebeest. You need to clean that shit up. Take your serrated knife and saw it to a uniform shape. Just take it around the sides, trim off the bare minimum, make it look decent.

I look worse, don't I. DON'T LIE TO ME.

OK, yeah, it looks horrifying right now. But it is EVEN, which is all that is important at this juncture.

Now you take a bare minimum of the ganache and "seal the crumb"-- a very thin layer across the whole cake that is there for pragmatic effect only. It is not supposed to look good. It should look super shitty, but the point is that it seals the crumbs into the icing so they don't float about freely when you put the final coat on.

WHERE IS MY MAKEUP

 After you seal in all the crumbs, put on a big thick layer of the ganache.

Much better.

Then fill a bag (fitted with a BIG star tip) with the remainder, and pipe it around the top. Slip the wax paper pieces out from under the cake and pipe a border on the bottom.

Look how clean it is!!

Take the cake to a party. Let everyone fawn all over you.

Congratulations, Faux Martha Stewart!!

EAT. Your piece will look much better than mine, which is actually a sliver of leftover cake taken the morning after the revelry.

The Best Kind of Leftovers

Shitshow Kitchen: German Chocolate Cake Extras

OK. You should already have finished a cake of some sort, unless you are a straight-up hedonist just eating the filling and frosting by themselves or mixed into ice cream which, I am not going to lie to you, would be amazing.

Here's how you make the filling and frosting for my version of German Chocolate Cake.

Coconut Caramel Pecan filling
4 large egg yolks
One 12-ounce can evaporated milk
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into 6 pieces
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/3 cups sweetened shredded coconut
1 1/2 cups finely chopped pecans, toasted
1 shot rum

Put the pecans on a cookie sheet and toast them in a 350 degree oven for about seven minutes. SET A TIMER THEY WILL BURN and pecans are expensive, yo. I usually start this while the oven is heating for the cake. For real, no more than seven minutes. MANY a time have I had to throw out a blackened mess of them and light candles to hide the smell.

We are nuts. Teehee.

While you're waiting for the pecans, get out the pan for the filling. I searched for mine for like ten minutes, then found it in the fridge full of rice from the other night. DAMMIT. Wash it, put it on the stove. Measure out your sugars and butter.

These are like magic beans... sugar and butter make anything spectacular.

Put the coconut in a kind of largish/medium bowl.

It's like angel pubes

Separate your eggs (I do it in my hand) and put the yolks in a saucepan.

Hands are the best egg-strainers ever

 Whisk them up and add the evaporated milk, whisking it all together.

That's right, I use NAME BRAND evaporated milk, bitches

Then throw the sugars, salt, and butter in and turn the heat on to medium.

Pre-whisk action

Whisk it up. Once the butter is getting melty, start whisking until it boils. You can kind of casually do this, like I got my dishes washed while I was doing it without burning it. But... beware. It can burn to the bottom of the pan and then you are fucked.

C'est parfait

OK. When it starts to boil, turn off the heat, and throw in the vanilla and rum. If you're taking it to an AA meeting or something, you can skip the rum. It will bubble up ALOT, it's ok. Then pour it into a bowl with the coconut and set it aside to cool.

Resist eating it all right now. RESIST!!

Stir the pecans into the coconut stuff right before you fill the cakes.

Chocolate Ganache Frosting
12 ounces bittersweet or semisweet chocolate, chopped
2 ½ tablespoons light corn syrup
2 ounces unsalted butter
1 ½ cups heavy cream

I use Gihrardelli 60% cacao chips and a little unsweetened chocolate.

Use quality chocolate or you will be sorry.

Throw the cream and butter into a pan, and heat it until it starts to boil.

Fat and more fat

Once it's boiling, throw it into a bowl with the chocolate and corn syrup.

This is where the magic happens.

Immediately stir it until it's all smooth and looks something like this.

Heaven in a bowl

Let the coconut-pecan filling cool at least two hours (or until room temperature). Leave the chocolate ganache out until you frost the cake (put plastic wrap on it if it will be overnight).

Shitshow Kitchen: Buttermilk Chocolate Cake

So I realize I didn't include a recipe for my lasagna last time. I am going to edit it in. In the meantime, here's the cake I made yesterday. OMNOMNOM. It is kind of my signature cake, in that once someone tastes it, they ask for it for any/all holidays.

OK! Here is the recipe:

Chocolate Buttermilk Cake
3 C flour
2 1/2 C sugar
1 1/2 T baking soda
1/2 t salt
1 C unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/3 C vegetable oil
1 1/2 C buttermilk
3 eggs
1 1/2 C hot coffee
1 T vanilla extract

Grease two 9" cake pans, line them with wax paper, grease again, then dust with cocoa powder (flour will show up on your cake). Get cocoa powder everywhere. Swear. Turn oven to 350.

The pans are not dirty, they are READY.

Put the dry stuff together and mix it up a little.

Dry stuff

Realize you have no coffee brewed. Brew coffee. Putz around while coffee brews.

Brief interlude

OK, the coffee should be done. Moving on. Add the buttermilk and oil, then mixalot.

Baby got back

Add the eggs one at a time, beating just enough to incorporate them and scraping down the bowl between.

Eggs are photogenic

Then add the coffee and vanilla. It will be super runny and sloppy, so turn your mixer on REALLY LOW at first, or you will regret it during cleanup. Actually, just mix it in on low.

Slow looks fast on film! MAGIC!

Pour into your pans, pop into the oven, set the timer for like 28 minutes (it should take 30-35).

Slightly fucked-up looking DELICIOUS cake

My cake looks a little fucked up because of the buttermilk powder I used in place of real buttermilk, which kind of did not dissolve properly. I think it may have been not necessarily "in date" still. Um, don't tell anyone.

Let the cakes cool about ten minutes in the pan, then invert them onto wire racks. There is an easy trick for doing this but this post is already a mile long, so if anyone wants it, ask in the comments and I will oblige.

Fuck yes.

Congratulations, Cake Champion Achievement unlocked.

I will post the filling/frosting part later...Mmmm, German Chocolate Cake.