Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Autocorrect, DIAFGFA.

Since I am sans computer for the last few and the next few days, or at least until HP ships me my recovery disks, because God forbid they actually include them with the purchase of my laptop, I have been using my phone to keep from falling back into the pre-information age, or the preformed age, as I am wont to call it just now. Also, I have picked up an affinity for run-ons and a dangerous carelessness with verb tense and mood.

My point being, and do you know I hate it when people use that construction? Usually because they often follow it up with the word "is", and nothing bothers me more than a repeated being verb with the possible exception of never knowing on which side of the quotations punctuation should fall.

Anyway, my point is, is that I have been using my phone for ALL THE THINGS. And you know what this experience has taught me, even more than "Don't leave your computer laying around where the kid can manhandle it and delete important system files?"?

It has taught me that I hate autocorrect. HATE. ABHOR. WISH DEATH UPON. DESIRE THE DEMISE OF. It is basically the absolute worst thing, ever. I hate its smug attitude. Its predisposition to replace sense with nonsense. Its maniacal bent toward making me appear illiterate and undereducated. When I type "She lets us go over there if it's nice," I do not want autocorrect to hijack me and instead say, "Should let's go overall there's if its Nick." Not only does this not make sense, it also creates the necessity of deciding between deleting ALL THE THINGS or trying to wade through the whole morass, one errant screen swipe at a time, editing and deleting, because most of the letters are already there, and let's be honest, if you delete and fix it you'll be back at square one with "Show letter use to overnight The if itself Nicole."

Also? Using a phone increases my paranoia that I will lose any note of length by about a bajillionty fold. You know why? Becquerel (What the ever living fuck? I mean, for real. Under no circumstances is that a word.)-- BECAUSE, my phone just shuts down the web browser at indeterminate junctures, losing all information and sending my teeth into fits of gnashing and my robes into fits of rending.

So I'd better sign off, but not before telling autocorrect that I hope it Dies in a Freak Gasoline Fight Accident.


  1. I'm so sorry. Have you seen Damn You Auto Correct? You will die laughing!

  2. There is so much I love about this post. But yes, you only want ONE 'is'.

    "The point is, is that auto correct can die a horrific death by gasoline fire" is actually TWO words too many. One should only say: "The point is, auto correct can die a horrific death by gasoline fire". But I suspect you knew that already. I merely wish to educate your readership.

    Also, I had to look up 'Becquerel' and I agree - no one is ever going to be trying to type that word. Ever. Even scientists are reading your post and thinking, "What the ever living fuck? The thing is, is that becquerel is not a word even WE use very much. Becquerel we just don't. I MEAN 'BECAUSE'! Fucking auto correct!"

    And that brings us full circle, jerk.

    (^ Praise be to the Lord of the Rings for the correct use of commas, huh?)

  3. I'm surprised Duds didn't jump in with an explanation of Bequerel. I am slightly disappoint. Also, smartypants point to >:* for catching the pleonastic that, which was totally intentional.


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