There may be a slight delay...

TWELVE DAYS????!?!???!?

I mean, I knew it had been a while, but... well, I'm not gonna lie to you, I thought it was longer than twelve days ago. It feels like aeons, although I don't remember those last two posts, so that should say something.

Bottom line, I have been in the death throes of relationship woes for the last...well, more than a month. And I'm trying to remodel the shithole of an apartment we have over our garage in double time for the last... two weeks? Maybe slightly less? More? Time has no meaning.

Anyway, I am moving out. And thus begins a new chapter. ? I feel like all of my statements should be followed by question marks. Nothing seems certain and everything seems like some mix of nightmare and inevitability.

I guess it was high time I disclosed it. Since all of my friends know. But none of my family. Should I keep it under wraps, this possible dissolution (which hubby insists is just a need for space and time while he sees someone else) of my 12-year relationship (initally I put "marriage", but we weren't married the WHOLE time), or should I just milk it for all it is worth before Christmas and ask for TJ Maxx gift cards to furnish the place?

I am completely lost and hidden in the darkness right now. I was going to wait until my triumphant move into a gorgeous new apartment, but doing all of the gruntwork myself is not only disheartening, in the same way that constructing one's own coffin holds the promise of very outweighed rewards, but also time-consuming and KILLING ME. I know there is improper agreement somewhere there, but I do not care. I do not care about GRAMMAR. This is serious.

Fuck me.

Shitshow Kitchen: Apple Crisp Tart

So today's Shitshow Kitchen is even shittier than usual, in that I wrote down the recipe as I made it and then lost the half-torn envelope I used to make my notes. So the ingredients are done ENTIRELY FROM MY FLAWED AND GOLDFISH-LIKE MEMORY.

APPLES! The fruit that says "Winter is coming, bitches."

Anyway, this was pretty awesome. You can skip the crust part entirely, or you can make the crust and scatter it on top with the crisp part, or you can just do the recipe like I did, and good luck to you. No, seriously, this is super easy. And very autumnal. That kind of makes it sound regal somehow. I LIKE IT! AUTUMNAL APPLE CRISP TART!!

Ingredients:
Crust:
one package graham crackers + three more crackers
4 T melted butter
2 T sugar

Apples:
6 apples
1/2 C brown sugar
1 T cinnamon

Crisp:
1/2 C oatmeal
1/2 C flour
1/2 C brown sugar
1 t nutmeg
1/2 t cloves
1 t cinnamon
4 T butter

That's about 4 T of melted butter, right? It might be more. I think 4 T is probably right.

Throw the graham crackers and sugar into your food processor.

Where is my point of focus? This photo looks weird.

Whirl it up until it is fine sand, then add the butter and whirl it again.

Mmmm. Refrain from eating all the crumbs! REFRAIN!!

Pat the crumbs into a tart pan with a removable bottom. I start around the edges, then do the bottom, otherwise you end up with nothing left for the sides. I ended up with not really enough, so I revised the ingredients for you to include another few crackers.

Attractive Crust Achievement Unlocked

Put the crust in the fridge (remember the bottom on your pan is removable, so you can't set it ON anything but a completely flat surface, or the bottom will pop out and you will end up with crumbs ALL OVER your fridge, including in ALL of the crevices, and no this totally did not happen to me...). Let it chill while you prepare the rest of the recipe.

This picture is solely to show you that I can take an apple's skin off in ONE long strip, which I think makes me a rock star.

Turn the oven on to 375 degrees. Peel, core, and slice your apples.

Apples in various stages of readiness

I find it easiest to slice them in half, then quarters, then just slice off the core at an angle. I am not sure if that explanation makes sense. See picture for details? Maybe? Anyway, slice them up, then throw them in a bowl.

Spice-dusted, sugar-crusted

Add a tablespoon of cinnamon and the brown sugar to the apples, then mix it just a little by hand to kind of coat them. While you make the crisp, the apples will meld with the sugar and start getting syrupy and delicious. Set them aside and throw all of the crisp ingredients into a bowl.

This is the best part

Cut the butter into the other ingredients using a pastry cutter, a couple of knives, or even just "rubbing" it in with your fingers until there are some largeish clumps but it is fairly well mixed.

I might have added a little more butter. I can't remember. DAMMIT.

 Take the crust out of the fridge and scatter the apples in it evenly.

We are so scattered.

Do the same thing with the crisp topping.

I know, you're probably shocked at the level of difficulty here.

Put it in the oven at 375 degrees for 30-45 minutes. Check it at 30 minutes by stabbing through the crisp near the center. If the apples are mushy, it is good to go. If they are still hard, it needs more time. If the topping gets too dark, throw some foil over it to keep it from further browning.

HOT! HOT HOT HOT!

Let it cool for about ten minutes before you try to take the outer ring of the pan off, or it will fall apart. The crust just needs to set a bit.

I can feel the weight of flavor!!!

If taking it out of the pan does not go well for you, just serve it from the bowls and don't let anyone see the mess. They won't care. You MUST eat this with ice cream, and you MUST eat it warmed.

So effing delicious.

Once again, ladies and gents, you're welcome.

This is How He Describes "Emo", Bitches

Why do you do it, I say.

Sometimes, he says,
I am opening vents in my skin
Skin too swollen
With the pressure of agony
With the inner points of nails and knives
Skin that needs release
Exposure and purgation
Digging out the offending intangibles
Scraping them off,
Away

Sometimes, he says,
I cannot do
Cannot be
Cannot
Cannot
But feeling that pain, I can handle.
Cleaning with alcohol, I can do.
It is easier
To transfer the pain to my body
Where I am strong,
Where I can deal with pain,
No problem.

Sometimes, he says,
I need to validate my heart
Visible signs of an invisible hurt
That I know is truth
That I cannot say with words
Because words are insufficient
And impermanent
And I need to draw it
In red lines
That say a thousand words
Eloquently malingering
I need to say my hurt.

Sometimes, he says,
I deserve it.

He stops, and I let it fall like snow.

But all of these reasons only exist
In that single moment, he says.
All of the other moments are spent
Trying to cover up the shame
Feeling stupid and weak
Hiding under turtlenecks and jeans
Terrified that someone will see
Will question
Will suspect

That I am not strong enough to cope
That there is something wrong
That they will want to help
That they will feel I need help
That they will pass judgment
That I will be lacking
That I will see pity in their eyes
When they look at me.

And I know it is wrong, he says.
I know I shouldn't do it
I know it is the wrong choice,
The wrong way,
The wrong thing to do.
I know it better after I do it.

But in that moment
In every one of the that moments:
It is the only thing.
I do not know anything else.
It is what I do.
It is how I survive.

Name That Tune #11

How appropriate... #11.

11/11/11 11:11

WOO HOO

More Reasons Not to Sleep Ever Again

Lana Charli, mere moments after birth

So we flew in Friday night, after about 2 weeks of no more than 4 hours sleep a night. We were up until Saturday morning around 6AM, which was 25 hours for me and 27 for Dust. After four hours of sleep, back to the hospital. It was the weekend of even less sleep than I thought possible.

Lana was born Saturday morning via C-section, and was in the NICU for the first 36 hours or so of her life for observation, since her mom is a Type 1 Diabetic and the baby's blood sugars were slightly wonky. If it had been my kid, I would not have settled for anything less than having my baby in my arms immediately, since there was no reason for the ICU except vague and dismissive mentions of "observation."

But it wasn't my kid, and you can't tell someone else how to do it. I just felt so bad for that tiny little baby, hooked up to IVs, no comforting arms in sight. She was all alone on that little table for almost two days. Then they were all, "OK, looks like everything's fine, guess you can take her." So... thanks for nothing, stupidheads. I am glad you covered your ass with the malpractice shit, and made that baby sit in there alone for the first days of her life.

Anyway. It was quite the whirlwind weekend. We're back now, and I'm back to work, and I JUST PICKED UP MY COMPUTER FROM THE SHOP OMG FLAIL and once I install some updates on it I should have it to hold and pet and love forever.

I made Dust pose for this in the airport. His eyes are crazed but I couldn't take another one because the security guard got all pissy about us being inside the ropes or something. The crazed eyes add authenticity.

So today is going to be all about catching up at work, cleaning the house, reading chapter two already (I am not TRYING to put it off, I have just been too tired to read), and then looking for appliances and flooring online.

Me: Gettin' shit done since 1981.

Nurture Sounds Like a Dirty Word

So like I said, I am doing a 12-Step recovery program, and the first step is to learn how to NURTURE yourself and ACCEPT NURTURING from others. Number one, I do not like the way the word "nurture" sounds. Something about it skeeves me. So I am using "TREAT". TREAT YOURSELF! ACCEPT TREATS FROM OTHERS! It is roughly the same.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that it is difficult. I have lived most of my life caring for everyone but myself. I am literally a victim of self-neglect. I mean, I take showers and dress weather-appropriately, but that is about all of the care I give myself. Apparently this is neither normal nor healthy, and partially as a result of this, I have developed some severe relationship problems in my life.

So I am trying my DAMNDEST to show myself a little love and accept love from others. It is surprisingly difficult. This has attuned me to the fact that I flinch away from touching (even a pat on the back), that I don't accept ANY compliments without qualifying them, that I don't give myself a break EVER... it is strange. It is like suddenly waking up and not knowing who you are. Also, even though I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing, that I am supposed to be focusing on myself and doing things for me and letting other people do things for me, I have literally lived my entire life doing the opposite, and changing it up like this? Not easy.

That said, I did say "I love you, too," the other day, instead of "I love you," which is how I usually respond to someone telling me they love me. Because it is a way of saying I love you without acknowledging that they love me. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT. WHAT THE HELL. Also, I took a hot shower instead of sweeping the patio, which didn't really need to be swept, but which I was going to do instead of taking a shower, even though I was freezing and just needed to relax. So I consider these two things to be SUPERVICTORIES, and I am treating them as such. Teehee. Treat.

Anyway, here's hoping that this is the beginning of a BOLD A BEAUTIFUL new chapter in my life. As bold as THIS!

Why did I use ugly colors?

But maybe more beautiful. Maybe more like this.

View from my roof.

GO FORTH AND TREAT YOURSELF! ACCEPT TREATS FROM OTHERS!* LIVE A BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

*Not strangers, though.

Semi-Automatic Bullet List

• I have had roughly four hours of sleep on average per night for the last week
• I have lost ten pounds in the same week, even though I stopped exercising because my muscles weren't healing due to lack of sleep
• Both of these things are stress related, although I am not sad about losing weight
• This ice cream looks delicious
• I am supposed to get my computer back today YAAAAAY
• I got these in the mail (Birthday/Christmas present for hubby) literally 20 minutes ago; I think he will have them before dinnertime even though his birthday is December 1 and Christmas is almost two months away
• I am impatient, generally
• I need to buy myself a cup of coffee. FOR REAL
• I need to get a hair cut
• Change is scary.
• Tired.
• So.
• Tired.
• If I get my computer back, I will give you a WHAMBANG post, with no annoying bullets
• I started a twelve-step recovery program a few days ago. 
• I am still on step one. 
• I like to think that I already accomplished step zero, which was acknowledging a problem and starting to fix it, as that means I have ONE DOWN!!
• Thank the Lord Jesus that it is not for alcohol, because I am not ready for that at all
• Life is hard