Monday, November 14, 2011

Shitshow Kitchen: Apple Crisp Tart

So today's Shitshow Kitchen is even shittier than usual, in that I wrote down the recipe as I made it and then lost the half-torn envelope I used to make my notes. So the ingredients are done ENTIRELY FROM MY FLAWED AND GOLDFISH-LIKE MEMORY.
APPLES! The fruit that says "Winter is coming, bitches."
Anyway, this was pretty awesome. You can skip the crust part entirely, or you can make the crust and scatter it on top with the crisp part, or you can just do the recipe like I did, and good luck to you. No, seriously, this is super easy. And very autumnal. That kind of makes it sound regal somehow. I LIKE IT! AUTUMNAL APPLE CRISP TART!!

one package graham crackers + three more crackers
4 T melted butter
2 T sugar

6 apples
1/2 C brown sugar
1 T cinnamon

1/2 C oatmeal
1/2 C flour
1/2 C brown sugar
1 t nutmeg
1/2 t cloves
1 t cinnamon
4 T butter

That's about 4 T of melted butter, right? It might be more. I think 4 T is probably right.
Throw the graham crackers and sugar into your food processor.
Where is my point of focus? This photo looks weird.
Whirl it up until it is fine sand, then add the butter and whirl it again.
Mmmm. Refrain from eating all the crumbs! REFRAIN!!
Pat the crumbs into a tart pan with a removable bottom. I start around the edges, then do the bottom, otherwise you end up with nothing left for the sides. I ended up with not really enough, so I revised the ingredients for you to include another few crackers.
Attractive Crust Achievement Unlocked
Put the crust in the fridge (remember the bottom on your pan is removable, so you can't set it ON anything but a completely flat surface, or the bottom will pop out and you will end up with crumbs ALL OVER your fridge, including in ALL of the crevices, and no this totally did not happen to me...). Let it chill while you prepare the rest of the recipe.
This picture is solely to show you that I can take an apple's skin off in ONE long strip, which I think makes me a rock star.
Turn the oven on to 375 degrees. Peel, core, and slice your apples.
Apples in various stages of readiness
I find it easiest to slice them in half, then quarters, then just slice off the core at an angle. I am not sure if that explanation makes sense. See picture for details? Maybe? Anyway, slice them up, then throw them in a bowl.
Spice-dusted, sugar-crusted
Add a tablespoon of cinnamon and the brown sugar to the apples, then mix it just a little by hand to kind of coat them. While you make the crisp, the apples will meld with the sugar and start getting syrupy and delicious. Set them aside and throw all of the crisp ingredients into a bowl.
This is the best part
Cut the butter into the other ingredients using a pastry cutter, a couple of knives, or even just "rubbing" it in with your fingers until there are some largeish clumps but it is fairly well mixed.
I might have added a little more butter. I can't remember. DAMMIT.
 Take the crust out of the fridge and scatter the apples in it evenly.
We are so scattered.
Do the same thing with the crisp topping.
I know, you're probably shocked at the level of difficulty here.
Put it in the oven at 375 degrees for 30-45 minutes. Check it at 30 minutes by stabbing through the crisp near the center. If the apples are mushy, it is good to go. If they are still hard, it needs more time. If the topping gets too dark, throw some foil over it to keep it from further browning.
Let it cool for about ten minutes before you try to take the outer ring of the pan off, or it will fall apart. The crust just needs to set a bit.
I can feel the weight of flavor!!!
If taking it out of the pan does not go well for you, just serve it from the bowls and don't let anyone see the mess. They won't care. You MUST eat this with ice cream, and you MUST eat it warmed.
So effing delicious.
Once again, ladies and gents, you're welcome.


  1. WHY did I read this post right before I go to bed hungry? WHY???

    By the way, you are an incredibly talented apple peeler and I am seething with envious adoration.

  2. Definitely an apple peeler rock star.

    I might have to actually use my food processor and make this soon. Think it would work in a normal round pan? I have no fancy removable-bottom pans.


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