Friday, November 4, 2011

Nurture Sounds Like a Dirty Word

So like I said, I am doing a 12-Step recovery program, and the first step is to learn how to NURTURE yourself and ACCEPT NURTURING from others. Number one, I do not like the way the word "nurture" sounds. Something about it skeeves me. So I am using "TREAT". TREAT YOURSELF! ACCEPT TREATS FROM OTHERS! It is roughly the same.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that it is difficult. I have lived most of my life caring for everyone but myself. I am literally a victim of self-neglect. I mean, I take showers and dress weather-appropriately, but that is about all of the care I give myself. Apparently this is neither normal nor healthy, and partially as a result of this, I have developed some severe relationship problems in my life.

So I am trying my DAMNDEST to show myself a little love and accept love from others. It is surprisingly difficult. This has attuned me to the fact that I flinch away from touching (even a pat on the back), that I don't accept ANY compliments without qualifying them, that I don't give myself a break EVER... it is strange. It is like suddenly waking up and not knowing who you are. Also, even though I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing, that I am supposed to be focusing on myself and doing things for me and letting other people do things for me, I have literally lived my entire life doing the opposite, and changing it up like this? Not easy.

That said, I did say "I love you, too," the other day, instead of "I love you," which is how I usually respond to someone telling me they love me. Because it is a way of saying I love you without acknowledging that they love me. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT. WHAT THE HELL. Also, I took a hot shower instead of sweeping the patio, which didn't really need to be swept, but which I was going to do instead of taking a shower, even though I was freezing and just needed to relax. So I consider these two things to be SUPERVICTORIES, and I am treating them as such. Teehee. Treat.

Anyway, here's hoping that this is the beginning of a BOLD A BEAUTIFUL new chapter in my life. As bold as THIS!

Why did I use ugly colors?
But maybe more beautiful. Maybe more like this.
View from my roof.


*Not strangers, though.


  1. What I have learned from therapy and mild dabbling in Tibetan Buddhist thought is that you need to forgive yourself to allow yourself to forgive others. It is very hard to do. And it's a lesson that needs to be refreshed regularly. I have faith in you. You can do it. --Keith (Sanddene)

  2. I am proud of you for doing this! I hope that you can learn to "treat" yourself as well as you have "treated" others.

  3. Nurture does kind of sound gross.

    I love the feather.

    You are doing GREAT!!

  4. Those are definitely SUPERVICTORIES!

    I am so proud of you!

    Also, I can't believe it has taken me THIS LONG to start reading your blog, but now I must read ALL THE THINGS.

  5. *hugs LAC alot*

    I am proud of you chica! And don't worry, I have been mostly on step one of that program for most of my adult life so you are doing good already :)

    P.S. Thanks for reminding me to give myself a frickin break!

    P.P.S. I made those gingersnap cookies and they were totally awesomesauce! This is really not that surprising though considering the source.


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