Anyway, what I was trying to say is that it is difficult. I have lived most of my life caring for everyone but myself. I am literally a victim of self-neglect. I mean, I take showers and dress weather-appropriately, but that is about all of the care I give myself. Apparently this is neither normal nor healthy, and partially as a result of this, I have developed some severe relationship problems in my life.
So I am trying my DAMNDEST to show myself a little love and accept love from others. It is surprisingly difficult. This has attuned me to the fact that I flinch away from touching (even a pat on the back), that I don't accept ANY compliments without qualifying them, that I don't give myself a break EVER... it is strange. It is like suddenly waking up and not knowing who you are. Also, even though I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing, that I am supposed to be focusing on myself and doing things for me and letting other people do things for me, I have literally lived my entire life doing the opposite, and changing it up like this? Not easy.
That said, I did say "I love you, too," the other day, instead of "I love you," which is how I usually respond to someone telling me they love me. Because it is a way of saying I love you without acknowledging that they love me. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT. WHAT THE HELL. Also, I took a hot shower instead of sweeping the patio, which didn't really need to be swept, but which I was going to do instead of taking a shower, even though I was freezing and just needed to relax. So I consider these two things to be SUPERVICTORIES, and I am treating them as such. Teehee. Treat.
Anyway, here's hoping that this is the beginning of a BOLD A BEAUTIFUL new chapter in my life. As bold as THIS!
|Why did I use ugly colors?|
|View from my roof.|
GO FORTH AND TREAT YOURSELF! ACCEPT TREATS FROM OTHERS!* LIVE A BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
*Not strangers, though.