Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Shitshow Kitchen: Magic Cookie Bars

These are also called Seven Layer Bars, but that sounds like some sort of salad/cookie hybrid to me and not at all like the sugary, chewy, delicioso candybar of a cookie that this recipe makes.

This recipe is actually so easy to make that I have done it while intoxicated. Literally. It is nearly impossible to screw it up. I mean, even if you just dumped it all in a pile and mixed it around then baked it, it would probably be good. It is Easy^Greyskull.

Yes, those are Fahncy Chocolate Chips
1 stick butter (1/2 cup)
1 sleeve of graham crackers
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup butterscotch chips
1 can sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup shredded sweetened coconut

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Grab a 9x13 cake pan and cut the butter into it. Kind of strew it about. Then slide the pan into the oven while it preheats.
This picture is so exciting I bet you are about to pee.
While the butter is melting in the oven, dump your graham crackers into a ziplock bag and smash them with the condensed milk can.
Food doubling as kitchen tool? Check.
When your crackers are crumbs, grab an oven mitt (or your ghetto mitt AKA dishrag) and pull the pan out.
I love how this recipe involves zero work.
The oven just melted your butter for you. BAM. Sprinkle the crumbs on top of the butter somewhat evenly.
That was so difficult I need a break.
Then sprinkle the chocolate chips and butterscotch chips on evenly.
It is possible this picture is blurry because I was shaking with fatigue.
Open your can of condensed milk. It is best to kind of give it a stir before your drizzle it over the whole pan. Scrape out the rest of the can with a spatula. Realize that your condensed milk is... not right.
That grainy sugar at the bottom? Is totally supposed to have been melted into the milk.
Thank you, Carnation, for fucking me over on this one. What the hell. The easiest recipe in the world, using ALL PREPARED INGREDIENTS, somehow devolves into a shitshow once again. If this happens to you, do not scrape out the sugar crystals at the bottom of the can, because they are grainy and gross and sticky and if you try to flick them into the pan they will only end up coating your walls and cupboards, and even though you wipe everything down you will miss a spot, and it will harden onto the wall and you'll find it later and try to pry it off and the paint on the wall will come with it.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Also, this may have been caused because I was using the Reduced Fat edition of the milk, and let this be a lesson unto me. Why would I even try to reduce the fat in something that is obviously going to kill me via diabetic coma before I am fat enough to succumb to obesity?

Throw the nuts and coconut on top and press it down.
Pop it in the oven and set the timer for about 20 minutes. Take out the pan when it looks roughly like this:
 Let it cool, then cut it into bars. Do NOT try to eat while it's hot, or you will just burn your tastebuds off of your tongue and be unable to enjoy them when they cool. I usually cannot wait for them to cool on their own, so I cut them into squares after they're not molten, then take them out of the pan and wrap them in aluminum foil and put them in the freezer. I think they're best frozen.
Heaven.... I'm in heaven....
AND JUST LIKE MAGIC, they are perfection. Cut them into tiny squares and give your friend ONE square... then see what they will give you for MORE. One pan of cookies will magically turn into you naming your price. Control of the remote for a week? You got it. No dishes for the next few days? Sure thing. A baby liger? Let me call the zoo.



  1. Not only are you delightfully hilarious you bake too! These look positively sinful and delicious.

  2. Thanks, Duffy, but I think I would call it Making a Mess in the Kitchen instead of baking. And they ARE both sinful (in that they cause gluttony) AND delicious!

  3. Lactose is a bitch and a half to dissolve. Bad memories from that one orgo lab.

    The cookie bars, however, look AMAZING. I'mma steal that recipe, k?

  4. They are very tempting but I don't care for butterscotch. Are they magic enough to make me like the butterscotch? I could probably just double the chocolate...

  5. Oooh! I know this one. You can use any other kind of chips, like caramel or peanut butter or white chocolate or milk chocolate or whatever. I'm not a huge fan of butterscotch, either, but I love it in these.

    Mmmm, sugar.


Comments are always welcome, unless you are going to be mean, in which case you can go straight to hell.

Please leave at least some form of name so I don't get all paranoid and think you are a stalker or my mother.