Friday, October 21, 2011


OK, so here is the deal. I have had cramps that feel like fucking labor contractions for the past THREE WEEKS. And I didn't know what it could be, but I suspected possibly a hernia (because I've been lifting weights and pulled something not too long ago) or an ectopic pregnancy. Because my mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario. And although I never go to the doctor, last week I caved and scheduled an appointment.

Then the pain started getting worse, to the point that I wanted to stab my ladyparts and carve out my uterus with a sawsall. Or, conversely, if it was a hernia, wanted to rip out my intestines and beat the everliving fuck out of them. So the pain, combined with my overactive imagination and general stress, gave me so much anxiety that I couldn't sleep. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and just lie there, thinking about all of the things I wanted to do before I died. Feeling my abdomen to make sure my intestines hadn't hardened up and died. Weighing the benefits of going to the ER vs. the cost of going to the ER.

So after too many sleepless nights, too much pain, and lying awake until 8AM when the walk-in clinic opened, I went to the doctor the day before my scheduled appointment. Victory: me, because I paid $160 at the clinic instead of $630 at the ER. I do feel good about that.

Unfortunately, the doc told me I have an ovarian cyst. There are NONE OF THE THINGS to do about it except possible surgery, unless I can get the motherfucker to go away before Monday. You best be believin' I'm doing everything short of literally punching myself in the ovaries to avoid surgery. Actually, I totally did punch myself in the ovaries. Because I am simultaneously that hardcore and frightened like a child that I may have to go under the knife.

I am going to make this motherfucker go away. One way or another.


  1. Is there really something that you could do to make it go away?

    Threaten it with fire?


  2. Hugs you!

    Listen. Cyst surgery is nuffin' atall for a hardcore chick like you. You get some happy sleepy drugs and wake up cystless. Next time get checked out sooner or I'LL punch you in the ovaries >:[ Love you!

  3. GUESS WHAT!!! I got rid of it. Somehow. It is gone, regardless. No pain. And I would know, I mean this thing has hurt nonstop for three weeks, and now, BAM. Nothing. I think this means I am good. Very, very good.

  4. Has this "it went away" been confirmed by a medical professional? *skinnies eyes*

  5. Ovarian cysts SUCK, though the surgery to remove them isn't bad at all. If the pain comes back, drink raspberry leaf tea to take the edge off and make it more of a "I can't quite move yet, but I do not feel the need to remove my ladyparts with a scalpel anymore" pain. Also, ask your doctor for cataflam or diclofenac. Non narcotic analgesic that does wonders.

    I hope I am not bother with unwanted advice. Also, I hope pain is gone for good.


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