Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Shitshow Kitchen: German Chocolate Cake, Part 4359834670

I know, I know. You are all, "Didn't we finish this thing? Like, a long time ago?" But no. We did not. I totally dropped the ball after you made the cake and the filling and frosting, and you were left with a bunch of cakes that got stale and gross and you had to throw out, and then you stirred the filling into ice cream, and ate the frosting with your finger.

I HAVE FAILED YOU. But look, people of the future, my fans who are not yet born, to you, I am just coming along a few posts later. Not WEEKS later. A mere blip on the internet in between the cake and the other stuff and the end. It is to you, the ones I have not let down already, that I dedicate the final installment of this fucking beast of a post.

OK! I am going to run through this like a marathon. HERE WE GO!

FIRST! take a cardboard box, cut out a square or circle or whatever that is a couple inches bigger than your cake, and cover it in aluminum foil. Then take a few strips of wax paper and lay them along the outermost couple inches of the makeshift cakeboard.

I look homemade.
Stir the pecans into the coconut goo.

Split your two cakes in half. NOT LIKE YOU CUT A PIE. You have to do it with a serrated knife, on the side of the cake, so you end up with two thin cakes. Try to do it evenly or your cake will resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Halve the cake like THIS.
Take one layer, lay it on your board, and smear it with the coconut goo.

Repeat three times. Then you should have something resembling a cake.

Scratch that 'resembling a cake' BS. You should have something that looks like a wildebeest on your cake board. If you frost it now, it will look like a frosted wildebeest. You need to clean that shit up. Take your serrated knife and saw it to a uniform shape. Just take it around the sides, trim off the bare minimum, make it look decent.

I look worse, don't I. DON'T LIE TO ME.
OK, yeah, it looks horrifying right now. But it is EVEN, which is all that is important at this juncture.

Now you take a bare minimum of the ganache and "seal the crumb"-- a very thin layer across the whole cake that is there for pragmatic effect only. It is not supposed to look good. It should look super shitty, but the point is that it seals the crumbs into the icing so they don't float about freely when you put the final coat on.

 After you seal in all the crumbs, put on a big thick layer of the ganache.

Much better.
Then fill a bag (fitted with a BIG star tip) with the remainder, and pipe it around the top. Slip the wax paper pieces out from under the cake and pipe a border on the bottom.

Look how clean it is!!
Take the cake to a party. Let everyone fawn all over you.

Congratulations, Faux Martha Stewart!!
EAT. Your piece will look much better than mine, which is actually a sliver of leftover cake taken the morning after the revelry.

The Best Kind of Leftovers


  1. You are hilarious and that cake is AMAZING.

  2. Someone who loves me made me this cake. It is the best breakfast EVER.

  3. Okay, technical question: How do you do the piping on the top? I've never done anything fancy with icing before and I don't want to totally screw it up at the very end.


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