Sunday, September 25, 2011

Shitshow Kitchen: WIIIIIINES CAKE

This recipe came from my hubby's grandma. They called it Wine Cake and didn't add the spices. I call it WIIIIIINES Cake, and spice it up a little. Even I did not mess this up significantly. First, your ingredients!

1 box yellow cake mix
1 box vanilla pudding
3/4 C sherry
3/4 C vegetable oil
4 eggs
1 t nutmeg
1/2 t mace
1/4 t cloves
powdered sugar for dusting

This cake is basically the easiest thing to make ever, on the planet. And yes, it uses box mixes. Fuck it. You know, I can make a cake from scratch, but sometimes it is nice to have something you can throw together in five minutes.
Look at all of those prepackaged ingredients. That means this is easy and also bad for you.
So here is what you do. Preheat the oven to 350F. Grease and flour your bundt pan. YES, I said BUNDT pan. That is the circle with the hole in the middle. If you do not have a bundt pan, borrow one from your mother or mother-in-law or old neighbor lady. These things used to be the shit.
I AM THE SHIT (if this was the 1970s)
Also, I cheated and didn't grease/flour. I just used that Baker's Joy spray stuff, because otherwise the flour might show up on the cake. You don't frost this one, so aesthetics are important. YES, I said aesthetics are important. I know, it might be some sort of record.

OK, moving on. Could I be more long-winded? Eff.

DUMP ALL THE THINGS IN A MIXING BOWL. Unfortunately I only had olive oil, so I used that. Let us see if it ruins all the things.
All the things!
Mix it for a second on low to so you don't spray it all over. Then turn it to high for three minutes.
Velvety smooth. Don't eat all of it yet.
Somehow, I forgot the spices. Because I am special like that. So I put them in last. You really don't need all of it-- the nutmeg is essential, but I think the other stuff adds a little somethings special.
How did I do it wrong when all I had to do was dump everything in and mix.
Pour it into the pan.
How easy was that.
Put it on the center rack of the oven and SET THE TIMER for 35 minutes. Do not forget the timer, people. Take it out of the oven and put the pan on a rack for five minutes.
This smells so effing good.
Don't worry if it looks craggy. This is the bottom.
The crevasses are tasty, too.
After five minutes, invert the pan onto another rack or a plate.
Bam, bitches
Cool it all the way, then sprinkle with powdered sugar. I use a tea strainer for that, but a strainer or sifter would work, too.
I feel prettyyyyy, oh so pretttyyyyy!
Seriously, it will be hard not to eat it all immediately. It is best if you make this when you are having people over, or if you have to take something to the office. Because not only will everyone love you, but you won't eat the whole thing yourself.

Look at that. It was like the easiest thing EVAR, and it is delicioso. Way to go, you. Take the rest of the day off.
This is two hours after I cut the first piece.
Another success.



    Also, I had to google "mace" because the pictures did not include a spiky flail weapon. I thought maybe you bake it into the cake to give your friends in jail, but I'm betting you were talking about "a cooking spice obtained from dried covering of the nutmeg fruit seed." I confess I am slightly disappointed by the lack of violent weapons in this cake now.

  2. Well, I mean, you could always bake in a file or something. These days it would probably be a USB drive. Or, if you're in the movies, some sort of tangible 3D laser hologram.

  3. As in "Help me, Obi-Wan Wiiiines Cake, you're my only hope!"?

  4. This sounds AMAZING. I am going to 7-11 to buy a box of cake mix today.


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