Shitshow Kitchen: Oven-Dried Tomatoes

I want to start by telling you this recipe has the single greatest work to reward ratio of any recipe ever devised. I defy you to give me an easier recipe that results in a better and more versatile finished product.

Your ingredients.

Ingredients:
Cherry or grape tomatoes
Garlic
Olive oil
Kosher salt


I didn't list amounts because there's no set amount on this stuff. I used about two pounds of tomatoes and two heads of garlic, although if you want to do more or less you just use more or less.

Pre-heat the oven to 250 degrees and de-stem your tomatoes.

No one eats stems, not even your mother "because they are good for you."

Take out two sheet pans-- the kind with the little rim are better, jelly roll pans, but if you accidentally caught them on fire the last time you used them as a drip pan for your meatloaf and then you threw them out the back door into the snow until they stopped smoking and then you forgot about them and moved, so you don't have them anymore, you can use cookie sheets. I wrapped mine in aluminum foil because I hate doing dishes.

Cut all your tomatoes in half and spread them on the pans. You're supposed to cut them on the equator, like the fat middle, but I always forget. Then separate the garlic into cloves (with the peels still on them) and cast them about the pan.

We are indiscriminately halved

Drizzle the tomatoes with olive oil (I cheat and use a plastic bag with the corner snipped off for easy drizzling) and sprinkle with kosher salt.

Totally cheating and I don't care who knows it

Put your pan in the oven for 2-3 hours. You can take them out when they go from this:

We are plump and watery

To this:

We are emaciated and dessicated

Let them cool for a few minutes, then pop the garlic cloves out of their skins. Scrape the entire thing into jars or tupperwares and cover with olive oil.

This is the greatest ingredient in the world

You can use these tomatoes on ANYTHING. I use them on bread with mozzarella, parm, and oregano to make awesome tapas.

I don't have an after picture because I burnt the shit out of them

Cut into squares and watch the marriage proposals roll in.

I was salvaged from the flames

Or you can toss them with noodles, oil, parmesan, and basil for an easy dinner. Use them as a pizza topping. Throw them (with a little oil) in the food processor for a tomato tapenade. Mix some of the tapenade with mayo for tomato-garlic mayo. The oil on its own is kind of a tomato-garlic infusion, and can be used in the place of your other oil in recipes. I usually just keep filling the jar with oil when I take out tomatoes, so at the end you have a jar of tomato-garlic oil. NOM.

Basically, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH THESE and they are so delicious! They have just the right concentrated tomato flavor without any of the chewiness of sun-dried tomatoes. They are heaven. This will make your life beautiful.

ENJOY, ladies and gents. The easiest, tastiest, most versatile recipe EVER.


Adapted from Smitten Kitchen

I GOT AN AWARD!!!

Look at me, getting awards! I thought I was going to get another award today but as that has not apparated yet (*ahem*, Siren) I have taken matters into my own hands and stolen an award from Rachael.

I KNOW! AN AWARD! I feel so accomplished. Suddenly, my whole day has taken a turn for the better. The miserable slump I was in this morning I have all but forgotten. My headache just disappeared. I think I might be better-looking now. No, I am sure I am.

OK, and now it is confirmed, because I'm writing this at work, and my last customer just introduced himself and told me that he thinks he loves me.

IT IS WORKING.

ETA: He just came back to tell me he loves me again. I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS. This award is awesome.

ETA: I got my other award, too... I think my hair is shinier! And my voice is more melodious! My cat just turned into a liger!

Today's Post is brought to you by Sarcasm, Narcissism, and the letter Y

Now gimme my award, dammit.

About My Blog

1. How did you find my blog and how long have you been reading it? What was the thing that first "captured" you? I found you blog through a link on the forum. I've been reading it since... I think September? Maybe August. The first thing that captured me was you personality on the forum. I would probably have read your blog if it was just pictures of telephone books. Or dictionaries.
2. Which one of my blog entries is your favorite? (You can list more than one.) I can't really point to specific ones, my memory sucks. But I like the Carolyn ones. Even though they are sad, they are beautiful. And some of the ones when you were figuring things out for yourself-- when you were here in the present, and learning things about your past through new experiences. Your way of explaining things and your memory for conversations are gifts.
3. What's your favorite thing about my blog overall? I guess now it is probably your humor.
4. In what way or ways is my blog totally better than yours? My blog has no real unifying principle, I don't take photos of birds, and your commenters are pretty dang awesome. Also, you are hilarious.
5. In what way or ways is my blog totally better than most other blogs, period? Most other blogs are uninteresting and the bloggers are not as... wide-eyed and new about things as you are. I mean that in a good way.
   
6. Have you signed up as a follower of my blog? A public follower? Fuck yes. Why would I follow it privately? I don't get that. Unless it is something that the blogger wants me to do to protect their privacy, I always follow publicly.
   
7. How many of your own blog followers are actually you using a fake username? (Oops, sorry, this question should've gone on the "Insecure Blogger's Survey Meme.") HAhahahaha. None. Good idea, though.
   
8. What's one of the funniest things I've said on my blog? ALL THE THINGS. There were a couple times I was almost crying with laughter. Like when you got your boots, or when you had to go get your hair done, or when you were getting the new couch and being flaunty. Or when you gave that bird egg the Royal Hat.
9. The most brilliant or original or insightful? This one. I bookmarked it on my computer when you wrote it, because it was so perfect. Partially because I relate to it, partially because it is such a beautiful picture of love.
   
10. Which of the pictures on my blog is your favorite? This one.
    
11. You have read my entire blog, right? Yes.
    
12. How often do you mention me or my blog on your blog? I've actually mentioned it a couple times. I linked it once. But don't worry, I have like three readers, and they were all yours first.
13. How many of your blog entries either were inspired by me or are examples of you shamelessly plagiarizing and/or outright copying my ideas? (Please provide links so I can get the credit I deserve.) BAM!
14. How often do you mention me or my blog in your offline life, say, at the dinner table or something? Hm. Not as much as I should, apparently.
    
15. When was the last time you made someone listen while you read something of mine to her or him out loud? HAhahahaha. I can't remember. I think I showed my husband your snowflake pictures.

About Me

1. How much do you love me and why? Please be specific. I love you as much as David Hasselhoff loves leather pants. Because you are strong and intelligent and witty and eloquent and hilarious.
2. Why else? Also because you are unabashedly egotistical.
3. Other than the reasons you love me, what's your favorite thing about me? Your ability to remember conversations word for word.
4. In what way or ways do you see me as better than you -- morally, intellectually, or otherwise? You are way better than me at Scrabble.
   
5. As superior to the average person in general? ALL THE WAYS.
6. In what way or ways do you wish you were more like me? I wish I was as confident as you. Oh, and that I had a startle reflex because I think it would be hilarious. I don't mind jokes at my own expense.
7. That everyone were more like me? That people were honest with themselves and others. All the time.
8. Which of my qualities do you envy the most? Your wordsmithery.
9. Which of my qualities do you admire the most and/or find the most inspiring? Your strength.
10. Do you envy any of my possessions? If so, which ones? YOUR COWBOY BOOTS. Also, your chicken beak.
11. What's the most complimentary thing you've said about me recently? See the above.
12. Did you write it on your blog? (If so, please provide a link.) Here you go.
13. What do you think is my most attractive physical feature? Your elf ears.
14. My second most attractive? Your Bambi eyes.
15. You can list additional ones here if you need to. You also have nice lips and you are skinny and now I am feeling weird telling you this stuff so I am done.
16. What would you say are my greatest strengths? Your emotional fortitude.
17. And finally, which of the following would you say is my one possible weakness? Definitely #4.
1. You're so intelligent sometimes you forget how hard it is for the rest of us to keep up with you.
2. You don't appreciate how attractive you really are.
3. You're too hard on yourself.
4. You're too modest.
5. Honestly, I can't think of any weaknesses

ETA: I AM SO HONORED!

Scatterbrained

I have a bunch of disjointed things to share with you today. Mostly because I am still kind of out of my mind with sick and medicine and working and I just want soup and a bed but I am stuck here until FUCKING SEVEN O'CLOCK WHAT THE HELL. Also, that O' looks like it is mocking my pain.

...

I was sampled a bottle of Skinny Girl Magarita, and I have to highly recommend it, even though it was made by one of the orange women on that Housewives show or something. It is a WINE BOTTLE full of pretty decent margarita, made with blue agave tequila, but with one FIFTH of the calories of a regular margarita. It's like 100 calories for 4oz. Or... roughly 400 for the entire bottle, which would be more helpful of them to notate.

...

There is some sort of festival in town that is like a RenFair/Comicon hybid. Everyone is painted blue and green and orange (full paint on their faces and limbs) and they are all dressed in flowy, baggy clothes with beads and ribbons and leather satchels and elf shoes... I have no idea what is going on. One person was carrying a duct-taped and painted styrofoam sword, which makes me think they do those fake battles.

...

My mother-in-law gave me "Slippery Elm Lozenges" to help my throat, and when you suck on them, they start feeling FURRY. I am not joking. It is the grossest thing EVER.

...

Someone came into the store today and asked if he could trade me three silver spoons for a couple cans of Copenhagen.

...

Have I mentioned that my mother is visiting next week? And I may actually need to be committed after that. For real. FOR REAL FOR REAL. I know she is going to make all kinds of comments about our house being as empty as a masoleum, and I just do NOT want to deal with it. WE HAVE NO MONEY SO WE HAVE NO FURNITURE. And she will be all, just go to the secondhand store! Buy total crap! Just for now! EXCEPT we need the money to fix the gutters and the front door. Also, it is none of her business. ARGH I AM GOING TO GET YELLED AT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS IN MY OWN HOUSE. She is so fucking high maintenance. I just... want to run away. Or die. ANYTHING TO AVOID THIS VISIT.

...

OK, now I can't talk about anything else because after talking about my mom, I really need to finish that bottle of Skinny Girl.

Name That Tune #7

Siiick.

So although, 80% of the time, I am a bad ass motherfucker, there is at least 20% of the time that I am a mess of frayed emotions and sneaky self-hate spirals and general bitch-and-whininess. I am telling you this because when I get sick, the penudulum swings to the opposite end of the one I'm usually occupying, and ALL I CAN DO is whine. Like a tiny infant.

I woke up yesterday feeling ick, and chalked it up to not-enough-sleep combined with too-much-wine. But it was my throat that was hurting, and kind of my sinuses, and my body was kind of aching. And it didn't get better all day. And I lost my appetite, and my throat got worse, and then by the time I went to bed, I was feeling like someone had beaten me severely and forced me to swallow a pineapple.

Then, as I laid in bed, I got cold. The kind of cold that was like being whipped from the inside of your skin with a cat o'nine tails made of ice. It hurt to move, but I was shivering (and therefore moving) nonstop. So I got out of bed, put on a fleece jogging suit, added two downy blankets to the bed, then huddled under my pile of clothes and covers, waiting to heat up.

Finally, about an hour in, I started getting cozily warm. It was then that my heretofore unused brain realized I probably had a fever, as it was about 75 degrees in the house, and I looked like I was sleeping outside in the tundra. So I got up, took a few ibuprofen, went back to bed.

Passed out. Thirty minutes later, I woke up to go pee, then couldn't go back to sleep because I was worried that Wal-Mart was going to sneak into our store and steal all the wine. Also, I could not stop thinking about the Rogue varietal that we had to bottle in the morning. This is when I realized I was hallucinating.

I drank some water and waited for the ibuprofen to kick in. About 20 minutes later, I started getting uncomfortably warm. I took of the blanket, then the next blanket, then shed my clothes, then finally laid there in my undies on the bed, sweating so much that I literally drenched the blanket. Gross.

Somewhere in here Dust woke up to go to work. Around 5AM I finally passed out, and slept til 9AM, when I woke up feeling like every muscle I had wanted to cry.

I am supposed to do ALL THE WORK on a grant today, and all I feel like I can do is sip tea and lie here inert. I am such a damn baby.

Shitshow Kitchen: Pizza!

OK. To make the pizza, you need:

One half recipe of flatbread, finished to the "take it out of the oven" part
Four cans of roasted garlic and basil diced tomatoes
At least 16oz. shredded mozarella
A couple handfuls of parmesan
A few sprigs of fresh oregano and basil
Any other toppings your little heart desires

OK! HERE WE GO!!
Turn the oven on to 500 degrees. Maximum heat. Put your pizza stone or cookie sheet into the oven while it heats up. Take your cans and open them.

This is totally cheating but it is the best.

Drain the tomatoes. You can save the juice for Bloody Marys... or just add some to a glass with vodka and drink it while you continue. Whichever. Throw the tomatoes in a food processor.

KILL THEM!

Turn on the food processor until your tomatoes are sauced.

Voila!

You are done with the sauce. I KNOW!! It is SO FUCKING EASY! Now take out your blisteringly hot pizza stone, do not use a wet towel to grab it or you will be sorry because water conducts heat and OW WTF WHY DO I NOT OWN OVEN MITTS. Then put the sauce on the flatbread. Be generous.

This is how hubby would prefer to eat it.

 Sprinkle on some oregano and basil, then any toppings that don't really need to cook (like olives), then the mozzarella (cover the sauce kind of lightly, a little cheese goes a long way), then sprinkle the whole thing with parmesan and put the rest of your shit on top. Pepperoni always goes on last so it will get crispy.

I did mushrooms last, so obviously I do not take my instructions seriously.

Throw it in the oven. If the crust starts getting too brown and the other shit is not done, turn on the broiler. It should take about 8 minutesish? If you turn the broiler on, though, watch that thing like a hawk so it doesn't burn black. When the cheese is turning a little brown in places and the pepperonis are getting crispish, pull that baby out.

HOLY YUM, BATMAN

Let the pizza cool for a couple minutes, then sprinkle with parm and/or hot pepper flakes, cut it up, and serve! I always cut mine in squares because... well, because.

Tasty.

And there you have it. Grade A pizza in about the same time it would take to wait for delivery. You're welcome.

In My Opinion

Preface: If you do not understand that Rachael was being sarcastic, you do not know her well enough, and need to get more of her in your life.

Rachael left me a comment the other day that I was going to address in a rant against relativism in artistic meaning, but I got sidetracked and instead went on a rant against value judgments in general. So... I will come back to a rant about art later. But for right now,

I HATE BLANKET RELATIVISM IN VALUE JUDGMENTS.

You know what? Some things ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS.

This is one of the things that pisses me off to no end. People thinking that their uninformed opinion of something should be taken into account just because there is some sort of wussy "all opinions should be treated equally" mantra floating around out there. ALL OPINIONS CANNOT BE RIGHT, because then A would be both A and NOT A at the SAME TIME, IN THE SAME RESPECT. And that is IMPOSSIBLE.

And who is the judge of this, you say? Because doesn't it end up being put in their hands, the fate of art and taste and all things? YES IT DOES. And I AM THE JUDGE, BITCHES. Actually, I should qualify that by saying I am totally not the judge on most things. I will defer to those more knowledgeable than myself, in most instances. But I can be the judge in areas in which I have been educated. Because I believe that my opinion regarding literature is more informed than most people's opinions, for example. If some illiterate eighth-grader said that Hamlet was a misogynist play that made no sense, I would tell you that he is WRONG. He is not just interpreting the play as it can be interpreted because there are many interpretations and aren't they all right? NO.

And I'm not saying that you have to know Shakespeare's life story, or have read ALL THE PLAYS, or have an earth-shaking love of poetry or theater to love him OR to realize that he IS, unqualifiedly,* a genius. But I am saying that the worth of your opinion depends on your familiarity with the subject on which you are opining.

You are entitled to your opinion in the same way that I am entitled to tell you where to shove your opinion. Freedom of speech does not necessarily entail equality of opinion. You don't go to me to place your horse racing bets, because I do not know a fetlock from a forelock. You go to the stable hands and jockeys and backroom odds-makers, because their opinions are MORE VALID. You don't go to Rachael to tell you how to solve your sinus problems, you go to a DOCTOR, because his opinion is MORE VALID.

And now I am running out of steam because I got sidetracked reading up on fetlocks and sinus problems. Dammit. Let's just have a beer and look at this beautiful picture.

Degas' Ballet Rehearsal. Definitively Beautiful. 

 *Unqualifiedly is so a word. Fuck You, Spellcheck. My opinion is more valid than yours 99.9% of the time.

Fuck. Yes.

I have been waiting for this beer since our reserves ran out in December. It's back, baby. With orange zest from Seville, Spain. Cocoa nibs from Theo's. Pasilla Negra chiles. Bourban barrels. An Imperial Porter, 22-oz Bomber, the top dipped in black wax.

Yes, this is the view from my bathtub.

Review: Arizona No Carb Diet Green Tea with Ginseng

First of all, fuck for what, why is the name a million words long?

Secondly. This is the proper size for iced tea. It is 23 ounces of refreshing goodness. That's 680 mL for those of you who are in the wrong countries.

Third. Tastewise, this thing is like... the lovechild of Sweet Tea and water. It has a touch of honey, so it kind of coats your mouth with a little sweetness, then punches in with some tang towards the end. But it really tastes nothing like tea-- no tannic effect or dark flavor. It is more along the lines of a water with lemon and honey.

YET! It is lightly caffeinated. Just enough to keep you awake at 5:30PM on a Wednesday when you were up all night with a sick toddler and have been at work all day and still need to make it until 7:00 before you can lock the store and run home to take a bath and fall into bed.

Fifthly or something, it has zero calories, no sugar, and 75% of your daily dose of Vitamin C.

Also, DOUBLE BONUS, it is only 99 cents.

In conclusion: cheap, big, relatively inoffensive on the tastebuds, like water but tasty, with a slight buzz of caffeine and NO SUGAR??

8/10