Shitshow Kitchen: Pizza!

OK. To make the pizza, you need:

One half recipe of flatbread, finished to the "take it out of the oven" part
Four cans of roasted garlic and basil diced tomatoes
At least 16oz. shredded mozarella
A couple handfuls of parmesan
A few sprigs of fresh oregano and basil
Any other toppings your little heart desires

OK! HERE WE GO!!
Turn the oven on to 500 degrees. Maximum heat. Put your pizza stone or cookie sheet into the oven while it heats up. Take your cans and open them.

This is totally cheating but it is the best.

Drain the tomatoes. You can save the juice for Bloody Marys... or just add some to a glass with vodka and drink it while you continue. Whichever. Throw the tomatoes in a food processor.

KILL THEM!

Turn on the food processor until your tomatoes are sauced.

Voila!

You are done with the sauce. I KNOW!! It is SO FUCKING EASY! Now take out your blisteringly hot pizza stone, do not use a wet towel to grab it or you will be sorry because water conducts heat and OW WTF WHY DO I NOT OWN OVEN MITTS. Then put the sauce on the flatbread. Be generous.

This is how hubby would prefer to eat it.

 Sprinkle on some oregano and basil, then any toppings that don't really need to cook (like olives), then the mozzarella (cover the sauce kind of lightly, a little cheese goes a long way), then sprinkle the whole thing with parmesan and put the rest of your shit on top. Pepperoni always goes on last so it will get crispy.

I did mushrooms last, so obviously I do not take my instructions seriously.

Throw it in the oven. If the crust starts getting too brown and the other shit is not done, turn on the broiler. It should take about 8 minutesish? If you turn the broiler on, though, watch that thing like a hawk so it doesn't burn black. When the cheese is turning a little brown in places and the pepperonis are getting crispish, pull that baby out.

HOLY YUM, BATMAN

Let the pizza cool for a couple minutes, then sprinkle with parm and/or hot pepper flakes, cut it up, and serve! I always cut mine in squares because... well, because.

Tasty.

And there you have it. Grade A pizza in about the same time it would take to wait for delivery. You're welcome.