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I was sampled a bottle of Skinny Girl Magarita, and I have to highly recommend it, even though it was made by one of the orange women on that Housewives show or something. It is a WINE BOTTLE full of pretty decent margarita, made with blue agave tequila, but with one FIFTH of the calories of a regular margarita. It's like 100 calories for 4oz. Or... roughly 400 for the entire bottle, which would be more helpful of them to notate....
There is some sort of festival in town that is like a RenFair/Comicon hybid. Everyone is painted blue and green and orange (full paint on their faces and limbs) and they are all dressed in flowy, baggy clothes with beads and ribbons and leather satchels and elf shoes... I have no idea what is going on. One person was carrying a duct-taped and painted styrofoam sword, which makes me think they do those fake battles. ...
My mother-in-law gave me "Slippery Elm Lozenges" to help my throat, and when you suck on them, they start feeling FURRY. I am not joking. It is the grossest thing EVER....
Someone came into the store today and asked if he could trade me three silver spoons for a couple cans of Copenhagen. ...
Have I mentioned that my mother is visiting next week? And I may actually need to be committed after that. For real. FOR REAL FOR REAL. I know she is going to make all kinds of comments about our house being as empty as a masoleum, and I just do NOT want to deal with it. WE HAVE NO MONEY SO WE HAVE NO FURNITURE. And she will be all, just go to the secondhand store! Buy total crap! Just for now! EXCEPT we need the money to fix the gutters and the front door. Also, it is none of her business. ARGH I AM GOING TO GET YELLED AT ABOUT ALL THE THINGS IN MY OWN HOUSE. She is so fucking high maintenance. I just... want to run away. Or die. ANYTHING TO AVOID THIS VISIT....
OK, now I can't talk about anything else because after talking about my mom, I really need to finish that bottle of Skinny Girl.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE SUPER AGGRAVATING.
ReplyDeleteBut hey, it's YOUR damn house, right? She can go someplace else if she doesn't like it.
OMG, my mom is NOT ALLOWED where I live.
ReplyDeleteWow, I wish I had some genius advice for you....
OH, YOU HAVE A KID!! Perfect distraction. I would not be scared to throw that kid at her anytime she gets too judgey.
It will probably be better than you imagine.
Just remember, you are fucking awesome. A shit ton of people agree with me.
Thank you guys. My mom is extremely overbearing and judgmental, and I still want to win her love by making her happy, even though she is never happy with anything I do.
ReplyDeleteARGH. But if things get too bad, it's nice to have a place like this that I can throw around some F-bombs. Oh, yeah, she also doesn't permit "swearing".
Fucking God.
Your house, your rules. You want to swear and she doesn't like it? Fuck her. She wants you to have shit furniture and a) you don't have the money right now and b) you don't want to be saddled with the creaks and cracks and eventual disposal costs of shit furniture? Fuck her. She doesn't like it, she can leave. If she won't leave, hey, there's always arsenic.
ReplyDeleteIs it bad that I want to try a slippery elm lozenge now?
Shiny, send me your new address and I will send you a couple of the lozenges. "Lozenge" sounds like an old time gross herbal crazy remedy, like "Dr. Shaneguey's Herbal Elixir!" or something.
ReplyDeleteIf your throat still hurts, Get Better Bears are the shit!
ReplyDeleteWell, they work for me, and they are grape flavoured, and they are teddy bear shaped.
Plus, they slowly shift from all candy taste into the medicine-y taste so that you don't even notice.
-Nonni from VS (still mostly 6 years old)
Oooh, Thank you, Nonni! I have been using the Strawberry Halls because they are the least offensive of the offenders. Also, Sucrets, but those things actually NUMB your throat, so if you forget and just start sucking on them in the front of your mouth, they numb you tongue. Which is really weird.
ReplyDelete