Thursday, May 5, 2011

Interview with JesusTChrist

Lifted wholesale from the place I posted it first, for which I am not giving you a link.

It's here. The moment you've all been waiting for.

JESUSTCHRIST, prepared to answer ALL OF THE questions. Please be kind.

Here he is, riding what he assured me was, indeed, a BRONTOSAURUS (suck on THAT, scientists):


And we're off!

What's your favorite joke?
Phil Collins' career.

What's your real first name (if you feel okay sharing)?


What's the story behind your username?
I picked "JesusTChrist" because people are always (wrongly) assuming that my middle name begins with an "H" for some unknown reason. It is Jesus THE Christ, people. Get it right.

Why did you choose your avatar?
My avatar is the same as the picture I submitted for the interview-- Dinosaurs are awesome, and I am the only living person who has held one. BAM.

When's your birthday? What astrological sign is that?
December 25. Capricorn.

Where are you from?

What's your living situation?
Currently living in a sweet pad in heaven, although technically I have full domain of the universe.

What's your class background? Race, heritage, or ethnicity? Religious orientation?
Well, I was born in a barn (haha, I know), and my adopted dad was a carpenter. My biological dad is God, though, which kind of trumps all that working-class stuff. I'm 100% Jew and also 100% God (don't ask me how the math works). I believe that I am God, so I think most people would classify my religion as New Age or something.

What's your relationship status? Sexual preference?

I'm not in a relationship with anyone, but I'm in a personal relationship with everyone. I prefer that everyone have sex in monogamous relationships.

Do you have pets? Siblings? Kids?
None, unless you count brothers like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.

Do you work or go to school? If the former, what's your job? If the latter, what's your area of study? If you've finished school, what was your area of study?
My job is Master of the Universe. He-Man ain't got nothin' on me.

Why are cats so much better than dogs?
Because I made them that way.

How long have you been a member of the forum?

Since the beginning.

Are you a member of any other forums? If so, which ones and what are they about?
No, all of the other forums suck.

Where do you like to spend time online?

I don't really get online much. Too much gossip. And porn.

Do you have a blog? If so, what's it about and can we have a link?

I don't have a blog, but I wrote a book that is online. You can read it here.

About how many hours a day do you spend on the computer?


What's your favorite thing about yourself?
My eyes.

What's your most outstanding feature?
My ability to be self-sacrificing. I mean, I take it to a whole new level.

What's your most unique talent or skill?
Um, probably either my ability to walk on water or the way I can change water into wine. It makes me really popular at parties. Oh, and I rose from the dead. Beat that, bitches.

What's your strangest habit? Your most annoying one?
Strangest habit is probably my propensity to speak in parables. Some would argue that is also my most annoying habit.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

What's something about your upbringing that was unique, and how has this affected your view of the world?
Well, my Dad had me killed. That was pretty harsh. But we're cool now.

What's the most difficult thing you've had to deal with in your life?
See above. There was also the whole flooding of the earth episode. That sucked. Fuckin' Noah forgot the unicorns, and the dinosaurs were too big. I mean, they were eating all the people, so I guess it was Ok that they got weeded out, but still. Thank Dad we have them in heaven, or I would be pissed.

Do you have any ongoing health issues or medical conditions?
I have nail holes that don't heal. And a spear hole in my side. That's about it.

Do you have any interesting stories about scars? Surgeries? Hospitalizations? Gory infections? Teeth? Gory dental stories are good, too.
Well, I was crucified this one time. And I died. But then I rose again. No biggie.

Have you ever broken a bone?

Ever had stitches?

What's something most people have done or experienced that you haven't?
I am the 2,000 year old virgin. Also, I've never sinned.

Have you ever had a mystical, supernatural, or otherwise inexplicable experience? If so, what?
All of them. Try being alive and THEN being born. And being one with your Father and the Holy Spirit, but also being distinct. And eternal. My whole life is one big ball of inexplicable mysteries.

Do you have a lucky or favorite number?

What's the nerdiest thing you've done lately?

I reformatted my harddrive and gave Steve Jobs a new idea for an overpriced gadget.

What's the biggest change you've made in your life recently? What's been good about this change? What's been difficult about it?
The biggest thing would probably be letting the weather go. I was really trying to micromanage it, but it was getting so stressful trying to prevent hurricanes and earthquakes and tsunamis and tornadoes and floods all the time. It was a full-time job, and everything else was kind of going to shit. So I am letting it kind of work itself out. Obviously, it was difficult to let go. And the weather is being a total bitch about it, killing all of my people. But I think in the long run it will be better for all of us.

In one sentence, what's your philosophy of life?


If your life were a book, what would be the chapter headings?
1. The Beginning
2. The Old Testament Years
3. Christmas
4. Life
5. Death
6. Heaven Again
7. The Wallflower Years

What do you most enjoy having conversations about?
Probably animals. I am really proud of them.

What are three things about yourself you feel it's important for others to know?
1. I am not my Father, even though I am.
2. I know you better than you know yourself and I love you.
3. Sometimes you ask me for things I cannot give you right now, and I am sorry that I can't make everything perfect for you all the time.

What's the most exotic animal you've ever touched?
All of them.

What's the creepiest interaction you've ever had with an insect?
That one plague of locusts in Egypt? Yeah, I did that. It was effed up, yo.

What's the most morally complicated or confusing situation you've ever experienced or witnessed, and how did this affect your view of the world?

To me, things aren't morally complicated. It was confusing being a person, though, because your emotions get so tangled up in shit that you are not sure what is right, even when you know what is right. Like, I knew I had to die, and I told my mom that, but when she was crying I really wanted to get off that cross and just be all, "PUNK'D!" but I couldn't. It is hard to endure human suffering when you know you have the power to alleviate it but if you do, you will be fucking with everyone's autonomy.

Who is your favorite former member of the forum whose blog posts you stalk shamelessly?

Serious, of course.


  1. I knew it! Brontosauruses ARE real!

    This is so excellent!!

  2. JESUS LOVES ME! He reads my blog!

    This is freaking hilarious. I might have to actually go to the forum to check it out. That's saying a LOT.

  3. It's better on the forum because people posted more questions. Including one asking if he had a "stable" upbringing. Heehee.


Comments are always welcome, unless you are going to be mean, in which case you can go straight to hell.

Please leave at least some form of name so I don't get all paranoid and think you are a stalker or my mother.