Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Make a Run for the Border

I am 100% unashamed to admit that one of my absolute most favorite foods on the entire planet of Earth is a Crunchy Supreme Taco from Taco Bell.

I have never had one with this many tomatoes.
I KNOW! The wafer-thin taco shell! The indistinguishable "beef product," spiced just enough to remind you of enchilada sauce that you know it is supposed to be an American interpretation of Mexican food. The cursory shreds of nutritionally-vacuous iceberg lettuce! The strangely dusty shreds of American cheese (oh the irony!)! The slathering of sour cream, the four morsels of pale pink tomato! Not to mention the rusty orange trail of grease that snakes down your arms, pooling in the bottom of the tortilla shell if it is not devoured within exactly 2.5 minutes of manufacture! And the vaguely vinegary HOT SAUCE, squeezed out of little foil packets onto the taco as you drive down the road!

Holy mother of mercy. These things are so incredibly delicious that I think my salivary glands are going to malfunction if I don't get a stick of gum or something. Hang on.

OK. So for real, though. Taco bell Crunchy Supreme tacos. When I go to the drive through, I order more of them than most deem appropriate. I remember the first time I went there with my then-boyfriend, now-husband. He asked me what I wanted, and I paused for a second before saying, "Um, I guess... six crunchy supreme tacos." And his eyes bugged out from his head a little bit, and he said "WHAT." And I said, "Yeah, no, better make it eight." This was massively cut back from the number I wanted to say, which probably would have given him a straight-up coronary on the spot, and that would have been the end of that relationship.
This is what they actually look like. NOMNOMNOM GET IN MY MOUTH
I try, now, never to order more than four. Well, OK, five. And usually I will try to get someone else in the car to order more than they actually want, "Because you never know if you're going to be extra hungry, and what if we are ten miles down the road and all you want is one more taco, and we can't come back? It's only $1.29. It's worth it to get an extra just in case." And then I take their extra one, because OF COURSE they didn't want another one, most people can't even stomach three of these things.

I don't know, maybe my stomach is made of iron, a little bit. Something about those tasty little morsels calls to me, though. Whenever I go to a town that has a Taco Bell, I make a belabored point of getting my tacos.

SO! Tomorrow, we are going to Twin Falls, the city that is home to the nearest Target. It is about 70 miles away, or something. I am not good with distances. It takes a little over an hour to get there. BUT! There is a Taco Bell in Twin.

Tomorrow, however, is going to be a sad day. I am still on this CUNTPUNTER of a diet, so I can't eat six tacos with a combined caloric content of 13409283325098, 4250923458 of those calories from saturated fat. So I am driving OVER AN HOUR to a place that I visit maybe FOUR TIMES A YEAR, and I am MISSING my chance to gorge myself on tacos.

I am almost literally depressed about this. I am literally sad. Like, I kind of don't want to go, just because I don't want to have to drive by the Taco Bell without stopping. It is going to be all I can think of tomorrow.


I had better be smoking hot by Christmas, or my Christmas present to myself is going to be a 24-pack. Of tacos.
Thanks to Google, I found this. I am torn between horror and understanding.


  1. I totally sympathize. I can TEAR UP some Taco Bell. OMG, the Caramel Apple Empanadas.

    However, Jack in the Box:Me :: Taco Bell:You

    I always seem to end up living somewhere with no Jack in the Box. So when I'm in a town that has one, I order like ALL THE SOURDOUGH burgers, including the breakfast one, because they are angels and do not put time restrictions on delicious breakfast food, plus monster tacos, egg rolls, CURLY FRIES, I'm dying here.

  2. Have one damn taco. Don't order 68 when you're going through the drive-thru. One.uno.eins.un...
    You get the picture. Don't deprive yourself of the very thing you want the most. That is how normal people trying to lose a few pounds end up weighing 400#. They make up for the time they passed up the cheesecake and the french fries and the hot fudge sundae...Anyone else want something from McDonalds?

  3. Fries with sweet and sour sauce, please. And Guinny, we call Jack in the Box "Jack in the Crack", because it tastes like ass and you have to be fiending to go there. Which, I suppose, is how many view Taco Bell. YOUR ANALOGY STANDS!

    I didn't end up going to Twin today (I know, that is the height of anticlimax), but I am going tomorrow. And I might take your advice, Duffy. I mean, I don't want to weigh 400 pounds. That is definitely not going to work out for my future lifestyle of gorgeousness.

  4. I went to McDonalds last night.



    Thanks for nothing, BITCH.

    Also, what did you get. I need to live vicariously through you.

  6. I was reading a comic and came across this and it made me think of you. This post, specifically. So obviously I had to rush over here and leave a comment for you.

  7. Really? Are you sure you wouldn't go over your initial guess?

  8. No one can best me when it comes to eating. I won a pancake-eating competition amongst my siblings by eating 32 pancakes. Full sized.

    I think I could eat 15 Taco Bell tacos, no exaggeration. More if I tried.


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