Shitshow Kitchen: Lasagna

Lasagna is one of the best things you can put in your belly. This is how you can make it. Roughly. And do I mean ROUGHLY MAKE IT or MAKE IT, ROUGHLY?? You will never know.

Take a quarter pound of pancetta and kind of mince it. Throw it in the bottom of the big pot and turn it on to lowish. Then get out 5 carrots and 5 celery stalks and one onion, wash them off, and start chopping. You have to have everything cut to a relatively similar size so it all cooks at a similar rate. Cut the onion last, because it will make you cry no matter what you do to avoid that, and you will not be able to chop with precision afterwards.

Everything is diced neatly except the onions, because I was bawling.

This will take FOREVER. You should stir the pancetta a couple times in here or it will get gross. Throw the veggies into the pot with a glug of olive oil so it doesn't stick. If you got more pancetta than me, because I am poor and only got a tenth of a pound, you may not need to use much oil. Turn the heat up to medium or so. Medium lowish. Sweat/cook the veggies until they're kind of translucentish.

Take the beef and throw it in a bowl. Take the sausages and split open the casings, then throw them into the meat bowl. Realize that the sausage skins are just a pile of intestines. Gross. Take a picture.

For real. Guts. Gross.

Mix the sausage and beef together with your hand. YAAY MESSY! This is like the adult version of playdough. You can use half veal half beef, which is what you are supposed to do, but veal is also really expensive and I could not afford it so I didn't. I think it tastes better, but it is also like ten bucks more. I did two pounds COW MEAT, one pound PIG MEAT (Italian sausage).

Tasty meats

OK. the veggies should be good now. Try a carrot. if it is still crunchy, cook them longer. The carrot should be firm but not like a fresh one. I hope this explanation makes sense. It is pretty subjective. When they're good, shove all the veggies to the side. This is where I forgot to put in the garlic, and where you should remember. Cook it like a minute or so. Don't let it get more than tan or it will be bitter. Then mix it into the veggies, shove them all aside, and throw the meat in. We want veggie/meat segregation until the meat is cooked.

The meat will be like a giant pillow. Kind of stab at it with your wooden spoon so it has vents to the bottom. It will basically steam/cook. Wait a few minutes, then flip the done part to the top. Do this a few times, until the meat is about a third done. Then start breaking it up so it's not one huge pillow of meat by punching the wooden spoon into the pan like you would poke someone if you wanted it to hurt, then kind of flip it around.


Realize you do not have wine for the next step. Search for wine. Find a bottle of dubious distinction. Put it in freezer to chill it faster because you need a glass of it.

When the meat's more or less totally brownish, you can mix the veggies back in. (This is where I made a little well because I forgot the garlic. I threw the garlic onto that hot spot and let it cook a little before realizing that was a terrible idea but fuck it, it's done now. I just mixed in the uncookedish garlic and figured it's going to cook for a long time anyway, maybe it will taste better this way.)

Pour in like two cups of milk. For real. The milk does something sciency to the meat. Mix it all together and let it cook for a while. You can clean up some of your mess because it might take a bit. The milk needs to kind of cook down to almost nothing.

Check the wine you put in the freezer. It is not done yet.

Clean. Do other things. Check the meat. Most of the milk should be gone. There is still juice and fat. Check the wine. Pour a glass.

I aimed the label away so as not to embarrass the "vintners."

You are not supposed to cook with wine you wouldn't drink out of the bottle. This stuff is crap. But I don't have anything else so IN IT GOES! About a cup and a half. Turn up the heat. You want to get all of this evaporated before you put in the tomatoes.

God that wine is really gross. Try it again.

OK. The wine is disgusting.

When the wine evaporates, add one can of tomato paste and two cans of diced or whole tomatoes. I only had crushed tomatoes so I used those. The jury is out on whether or not I fucked it over doing that. Also, I thought I should add another half can of tomato paste, and then forgot I was only adding a half, so I added a whole one.

Pinkish sauce. It should look kind of thisish.

So after that photo I added my tomatoes, and now my sauce is now looking really tomatoey. Like, way redder and thicker than yours should. I am hoping it's not totally ruined.

Now let it cook for like an hour. Come check it around 30 minutes and give it a stir. Then let it cook for...ever. Like three hours. Then stir in a few dollops of cream, maybe like half a cup? and about a tablespoon each of crushed rosemary, basil, and oregano. And maybe a teaspoon of salt. Stir it up, put the lid on, take it off the heat, and let it cool.

THE NEXT DAY. Or later on the same day, if you are INSANELY AMBITIOUS and maybe Martha Stewart.

Boil a whole thing of lasagna noodles. While the noodles are boiling, mix together in a bowl a big container of small-curd cottage cheese, about 6ish ounces of parmesan (grind it in your food processor if you get a chunk, it is not worth grating), about four handfuls of shredded mozzarella, and a big handful of chopped Italian parsley. I also threw in some extra "Italian Cheese" shredded stuff I had laying around. And I might have put in a few Domino's parmesan packets because I was afraid I didn't have enough parm. If you are going only on Domino's packets, you will need about 50 of them.

Cows make cheese.

OK, when the noodles are done, drain them and toss them with a little oil or they will all stick together into a noodly lump and you will be fucked.

Put a little tomato sauce on the bottom of a rectangle pan. Then noodles, sauce, cheese, noodles, sauce, cheese, noodles. Then some shredded mozz and a sprinkling of parsley on top.

Is anyone reading these captions?

 You should have enough for two lasagnas. Freeze one for later. Cover the other one with aluminum foil and put it in the oven at 350. It will take forever, like 45 minutes. Take off the foil and cook another 15 or so, until it's done.

OMG.

Eat with garlic bread.

So worth it.

Repeat.