Shitshow Kitchen: Flatbread

RECIPE!

1 1/2 T granulated yeast
1 1/2 t salt
1 T sugar
1-3 T herbs (optional)
1/4 cup olive oil
2 3/4 cups warm water
6 1/2 cups flour

Look at me, all remembering the recipe. I am ON it. And this one is so easy that you can probably do it drunk. Or with a three-year-old, which is what I did.

OK! Take your first five ingredients and throw them in a bowl. You can use whatever herbs you want, fresh or dried, depending on how you are using your flatbread. If they're dry, kind of moosh them in your hand to release the oils.

I was going to make pizza crust, so I used marjoram, fennel seed, oregano, basil, and lots of rosemary. If you have some sort of boutique olive oil you could use that instead of regular-- I'll use the oil I pack tomatoes in and it is YUM. I highly recommend rosemary regardless.

Yeast is kind of a gross word

Add the warm water (it needs to be relatively warm, not super hot, for the yeast to grow) and stir.

The dark matter of flatbread

You should wait for it to start foaming a little. Since I was working with a three-year-old, I had no choice but to continue at warp speed before he threw an entire pound of flour into the bowl.

Add the flour. Make sure you kind of fluff it with a fork or something before spooning it into your measuring cup and leveling it off. This is VERY IMPORTANT otherwise your measurements will be way off and your flatbread will be more like thin cement than bread.

LEVEL UP

Stir it just until it all comes together and pulls away from the bowl.

Do not eat it yet. It is nasty.

Spray it with non-stick oil and cover with plastic wrap, then set out in a warmish spot for 2-3 hours, or until it grows a large amount. I think it is supposed to double or something but mine always triples. Look, I'm not joking:

I will take over your home. JUST WATCH ME.

I decided to knead it for about four minutes, but I am not sure that is entirely necessary. It does help the bread to roll out better, otherwise it is too elastic and springs back into ball shape instead of spreading out when you roll it. SCIENCE, folks. It is just oozing science.

We will eat your children.

When you're done kneading, cut the mondo doughball into four smaller globs. Or maybe five. I think five, maybe, would have been a better idea, but the kid wanted to play with the extra dough so mine turned into four. I like to put them in separate containers, spray the tops with oil, then put them in the fridge.

We will still grow in our little terrariums. YOU CANNOT STOP US.

You can keep them in the fridge up to 12 days, and I honestly think you could freeze them at this point, too. You just need to thaw them before using, then allow them to rise about two hours or so. It will rise in the fridge, so if it's going to be a few days, you'll have to make sure it hasn't blasted its lid off and started consuming your produce if you go the fridge route. I threw them in the fridge, then pulled two out for dinner tonight, about an hour and a half before I needed them. They do need to rise again like the South before you roll them out.

When you're ready, and you've let them rise again like Jesus for an hour or two, dust some sort of clean work surface with flour and throw that baby on it.

I am so good at looking innocent.

Before you start rolling, turn the oven on to 500 degrees and put your baking sheet/pizza stone in there while it heats.

Roll it out. There is no need to roll it into a circle or square or anything, you can make it look like any random made-up shape in existence. I was just making pizza out of mine, so I wanted it to fit on the pizza stone.

Note small three-year-old hand in the bottom corner.

Put it on the hot sheet, being careful not to burn yourself because MOTHERFUCKER THAT THING IS HOT. Prick it with a fork all over or it will puff and bubble. Either brush with oil or spray with oil. Sprinkle with sea salt, grape halves, tomatoes, herbs, whatever, or just let it be, like I did.

Let it be, Let it beeeeee, Let it beeee, Let it BE

Bake for... a little while. Like ten minutes maybe? I dunno, check it. Put your oven light on. It can burn quickly. You just want it to be kinda brownish in spots.

BAM. DONE, BITCHES.

And there you have it. Cut/break it into wedges/squares/shapes and serve it with fine wines and cheeses, tapenades, Nutellastraightfromthejarwhat?, or leave it whole and make it into a pizza. You are a god/goddess.